


Patronswap

by HorizonTheTransient



Series: Patronswap [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Gen, Patronswap AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-29
Updated: 2016-03-01
Packaged: 2018-05-23 23:17:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 23,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6133516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HorizonTheTransient/pseuds/HorizonTheTransient
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A quirk of fate makes for a little change: the four Patron trolls are replaced with other, more minor trolls. Eridan manipulates Rose with the help of Future Rose, Sollux annoys the shit out of Dave, Feferi teaches John what it means to hate, and Nepeta RPs with Jade before both of them sort of fall out of focus.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Fool

 

caligulasAquarium[CA] started trolling tentacleTherapist[TT]!  
CA: alright youre gonna need to head to the mausoleum right the fuck noww if you wwant any chance of survvivval  
TT: Ah, yes, you again. What do you want this time?  
CA: for you to go to the fuckin mausoleum  
CA: look you knoww some grade a horsefuckery is goin on here, could you accept that im courierin information from the future  
TT: I suppose I could, if you knew one of my many passcodes for such an event.  
TT: Is that why you encouraged me to make those?  
CA: yeah its almost as though im workin outside the timeline, tryin to orchestrate evvents so you dont fuckin die  
CA: anywway the passcode i wwas givven wwas boot fish.  
TT: Did I tell you why I gave you that passcode in particular?  
CA: i havve an internet connection an a lust for historical knowwledge  
CA: i can take a fuckin guess  
CA: im awware of your little nickname for me  
TT: Oh dear. Is future me a snitch?  
CA: no, but your friend jade is wwhen shes asleep  
TT: So why do I have to go to the mausoleum?  
CA: because your internet connection is gonna cut out pretty soon and the mausoleum is the key to not gettin killed  
CA: its a close call in a series of close calls that sustains the ontological paradox that is the alpha timeline  
CA: or so ivve been told by my sources  
TT: And who, pray tell, are these sources?  
CA: a gynoid that looks like satan  
TT: Sounds trustworthy.  
CA: indeed. time fuckery is alwways the most annoyin thing to deal wwith  
CA: especially since im not strictly speakin outside of the timeline  
TT: This is fascinating, but perhaps you should get to the point?  
CA: oh i already did. not my fault you arent wwillin to immediately followw my evvery command, an instead try to vverify that im givvin you good information like a sensible person  
TT: Right, well, I think I’m going to have to cut this short.  
tentacleTherapist[TT] blocked caligulasAquarium[CA]

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

twinArmageddons[TA] started trolling turntechGodhead[TG]!  
TA: alriight 2hiithead lii2ten up  
TA: youre goiing to fuckiing play the game whether you liike it or not  
TG: oh my god seriously  
TG: why me  
TG: what did i do in my past life to deserve everyone badgering me about that stupid fucking game  
TA: iim not 2ure but iit probably iinvolved a liiquiid contaiiner of moon2hiine and an un2u2pectiing woolbea2t  
TG: do you mean a sheep  
TG: because im pretty sure thats called a sheep  
TA: whatever. ju2t play the fuckiing game or iill blow up your computer  
TG: that seems insanely counterproductive  
TA: yeah well 2hut your fuck  
TG: look if itll get you off my back ill do it  
TG: just so i can stop looking at your eyesore text  
TA: fuck your2elf  
TG: every night and twice on tuesdays  
turntechGodhead[TG] blocked twinArmageddons[TA]!

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

cuttlefishCuller[CC] started trolling ectoBiologist[EB]!  
CC: )(ey! You made it! Good job!  
EB: ugh, not another troll...  
CC: I’m )(ere to )(elp you, t)(oug)(!  
CC: T)(is game you’re playing? I played it too! I know t)(e steps to t)(is dance, and I can )(elp you along!  
EB: uh huh. fascinating.  
EB: well, i don’t think there’s anything i can do on my end of things right now, so i guess i can entertain your conspiracy theories.  
CC: Ug)(, don’t be so glubbing cynical! It doesn’t suit you.  
EB: well that’s really condescending and also kinda creepy.  
EB: hrm, who else in my trollslum is gonna pick this moment to pester me?  
EB: TC is nice, if a little hard to understand.  
CC: )(e’s nice, yea)(, but )(e’s also a few fis)( s)(ort of a sc)(ool, if you catc)( my meaning.  
EB: hey now, that’s my half-coherent nameless friend you’re insulting there.  
CC: )(e’s my frond too, sorta. I know )(im. )(e’s actually in t)(e room rig)(t now!  
EB: tell him i said hi.  
CC: If you insist. Now, in a few minutes, your friend is gonna get )(er connection back, and t)(en she’s gonna build up your )(ouse to t)(e first gate.  
CC: T)(at’s the big glowy spirograp)( floating in midair, in case you’re wondering.  
EB: huh. here i thought that was just a hallucination or something, brought on by eating too much cake.  
CC: T)(ere is no suc)( t)(ing as too muc)( cake, Jo)(n. No suc)( t)(ing!  
EB: bluh. yes there certainly is. i mean, cake isn’t bad, but when your dad bakes thirteen cakes for your birthday, you kinda get sick of cake after the first five slices.  
CC: NO. SUC)(. T)(ING.  
EB: y’know, i think i kinda prefer CG. sure, he’s really rude and sweary and all that, but at least he wasn’t so opinionated on the subject of cake.  
EB: can you at least tell me what i’m supposed to be doing right now?  
CC: It’s up to your server player now. Once s)(e gets )(er connection back, s)(e can build your house up to t)(e first gate, and then you begin your grand journey!  
EB: wow. great talk. i’m glad you took the time to tell me i had to hang tight, in between all the horseshit about cake.  
ectoBiologist[EB] blocked cuttlefishCuller[CC]!

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

arsenicCatnip[AC] started trolling gardenGnostic[GG]!  
AC: :33 < *ac stalks silently into the meadow, letting the tall grass conceal her from view.*  
GG: *ggs nose twitches, and she turns around to see rustling grass and smell intruding troll.*  
AC: :33 < *ac gives up on stealth, and pouncegr33ts gg with a loud roar!*  
AC: :33 < how are mew?  
GG: im excited! todays the day!  
AC: :33 < thats the spirit!  
GG: mhm! ill finally get to meet all my friends in real life!  
AC: :33 < be careful, though. youll have to wade through hell and high water to get to your goal. but itll be worth it!  
GG: i know, but once thats all over, ill be with my friends! and i think thats worth a lot.  
AC: :33 < it most definitely is!  
AC: :33 < oh! befur i go! i managed to steal this code from boots! its fur a really powerful rifle; he says its the most powerful one in existence, but he exaggerates a lot.  
AC: :33 < still, ive s33n it in action, and it is strong.  
GG: thank you so much!  
AC: :33 < the code is FFFFFFWW  
GG: pft. nice.  
AC: :33 < im afraid thats all i can do fur now, but if you want to chat, dont be a stranger!  
arsenicCatnip[AC] stopped trolling gardenGnostic[GG]!


	2. Trials And Trolls

caligulasAquarium[CA] started trolling tentacleTherapist[TT]!  
CA: oh my lord you havve no excuse for bein this bad at architecture  
CA: theres a reason i wwas so insistent that you fuck around with the sims  
CA: rose i am ashamed of you  
TT: Have you ever heard the phrase ‘insufficient resources’? It’s really quite a fascinating concept that explains why things aren’t done perfectly.  
CA: yeah yeah keep makin excuses  
CA: in the meantime, i suppose you wwanna knoww wwhat the hot basted fuck is goin on  
TT: For example, how exactly am I doing all of this?  
CA: simply put, youre playin the ultimate game. an i do use ultimate in its true meanin. this is the last game. maybe not for you, but certainly for your univverse.  
CA: the mechanisms by wwhich it allowws this to happen are unknowwn to me so far, but accordin to a prophecy, wwere better servved savvin that mystery for later. wwe got more important things to wworry about.  
TT: And what, pray tell, are these “more important things?”  
CA: simple. youre gonna make a neww univverse.  
TT: Really now.  
CA: ivve studied enough human mythology to make this simple to understand. also, future you helped.  
CA: the universe is a phoenix. it dies in a fiery explosion, an is reborn from the ashes.  
TT: Hrm. An apt comparison. I don’t doubt I had my hand in this.  
CA: dont be too pleased wwith yourself just yet. youvve got a grander role than merely makin metaphors, as is to be expected a my protege  
TT: So how many of your ribs did you have to break before you could suck your own dick like that?  
CA: ill turn off the vviewwport for ten minutes. in that time, i wwant you to take your stupid fuckin needlewwands an fuck yourself wwith them  
TT: I’m afraid I don’t know what needlewands you’re referring to, but I suspect I’ll find out soon enough. I will agree, though, the concept does seem a little stupid.  
CA: magic in general is fuckin stupid as shit, as is anyone wwho claims to practice it  
CA: its a stupid fuckin excuse born of wwillful ignorance an if you say for evven a moment that wwhat youre doin is ‘magic’ im gonna find a wway to reach across the univverse boundary an smack you so hard your descendant is gonna havve a birthmark shaped like the back of my left hand  
TT: Then what, precisely, am I supposed to call it when I inevitably do something that could be called “magic”?  
CA: sufficiently advvanced technology is indistinguishable from magic  
CA: difference is, wwe try an understand technology. magic is opaque an inscrutable, an therefore total bullshit.  
TT: Mmn. Well, considering how vague you’ve been about what my future abilities will be, I suppose I’ll just call anything and everything I do from this point “magic”.  
CA: im gonna ignore the blatant pitch flirtin there, an ask you to stay inside the mausoleum no matter howw good an idea you think it is to go outside.  
CA: trust me, things in motion are gonna savve your skin. things that im only tangentially invvolvved in.  
TT: What might these things be, hm?  
CA: wwhen the time comes, itll be plain as day wwhat youre supposed to do.  
CA: a hint though, to tide you ovver: only goin through the exit counts as leavvin the mausoleum.  
TT: So if I want to leave, I have to wait for someone to knock a hole in the wall?  
CA: im afraid i cant answwer that.  
CA: wwell, no, i could, i just dont wwant to because i take pleasure in wwatchin you squirm.  
TT: Good to see you’re acting in my best interests.  
tentacleTherapist[TT]’s connection timed out!

\----------------------

twinArmageddons[TA] started trolling turntechGodhead[TG]!  
TA: hey a22wiipe  
TA: what2 the holdup  
TG: well you see  
TG: i had an epiphany and decided i wouldnt let some random internet troll bully me into playing a stupid game  
TA: nevermiind, ii 2crolled back through your tiimeliine. good job throwiing the game out the wiindow, diip2hiit.  
TG: what the fuck are you going on about  
TG: i have the game right here  
TG: i just dont want to play it because i have other shit to do  
TA: youre weariing ben 2tiiller2 2ungla22e2 and a 2hiirt wiith a black and red ciircle on the front  
TA: there2 al2o a hole iin your wiindow from where you launched a 2word through a flapbea2t of some kind  
TG: okay what the hell  
TA: peekaboo, ii 2ee you  
TG: dude who the hell are you  
TA: grab the weiird doll wiith the 2tupiid hat and go up two the roof  
TG: nice to meet you “grab the weiird doll wiith the 2tupiid hat and go up two the roof” my name is dave  
TA: ha ha, very funny. do iit, and iill tell you my name.  
TG: ugh fine  
TG: thats a weird fucking demand but fucked if i have any better options  
TA: yeah that2 riight, biitch.  
TG: if i ever meet you i am going to pimpslap you so hard itll inspire three monuments a dozen sonnets and a pair of mediocre big budget movies  
TA: youre welcome two try  
TA: diidnt work out two well for the la2t guy two try iit  
TG: sounds like my kinda guy  
TG: mind passing his contact details along  
TA: fuck no  
TA: do what ii told you two do, 2triider. youll be 2ubjected two that a22hole later, probably. he ju2t need2 two put hii2 touch 2tump2 iintwo every 2iingle hot confectiionary, and youre a viirgiin pa2try 2iittiing on the ledge of the aiir vent two cool off.  
TG: okay so the sexual assault of pies aside  
TG: actually no i think thats a subject i want to delve into a bit more deeply  
TG: what the fuck broski  
TA: that2 not my name  
TG: oh god forbid i give you a nickname since you wont tell me your real one  
TG: but more relevantly why the hell did you go from “do what i say” to a visceral set up for some goddamned apple pie noncon  
TG: jesus christ is this what its like talking to me  
TG: are you secretly a dark mirror to my own faults  
TG: lord in heaven i repent for my sins  
TG: show me the light so i may atone  
TA: are you done yet  
TG: let me rattle off a couple hail marys first  
TA: ugh ii dont have tiime for thii2.  
twinArmageddons[TA] stopped trolling turntechGodhead[TG]!

\----------------------

cuttlefishCuller[CC] started trolling ectoBiologist[EB]!  
CC: Okay, so, you mig)(t be a little confused...  
EB: where the hell am i.  
EB: cc, this is not my beautiful house. this is very much not anyone’s beautiful house.  
CC: Reelax, you’ll be fin. You just need to find the gate, and it’ll take you back to your )(ive!  
EB: oh well that’s very helpful! but alas, I DON’T KNOW WHERE ANYTHING IS.  
CC: I’ll get you a map, don’t worry.  
cuttlefishCuller[CC] sent file map.jpg!  
EB: oh. that was fast.  
EB: i mean this still doesn’t help, because i don’t have any navigational equipment, but it was fast at least.  
CC: T)(e clouds, John! T)(ey’re your compass! T)(ey blow from east to west, straig)(t and true! Or, enoug)( for your purposes.  
EB: oh. that’s... suspiciously convenient?  
EB: i get the feeling something fishy is going on here...  
CC: 38D  
EB: ...is that supposed to be a smiley face, or...  
CC: Yep! Glub glub.  
CC: I’m so proud! You made your first nautical pun!  
EB: ...i don’t know how to feel about this.

 

ectoBiologist[EB] started pestering turntechGodhead[TG]!  
EB: hey dave? if you ever catch me making a nautical pun, i want you to punch me right in the face. don’t warn me or anything, just do it.  
ectobiologist[EB] stopped pestering turntechGodhead[TG]!

 

EB: alright i’ve dealt with that to my satisfaction.  
CC: 38?  
EB: what the fuck is that even.  
EB: cc. you are killing me here.  
EB: i’m calling the police.  
CC: Calm your fins, grumpy gills. It’s just a conchfused face!  
EB: you know, before today, i was pretty okay with puns.  
EB: you have ruined puns for me, cc. what’s next? are you going to ruin magic for me?  
CC: If anyone ruins magic, it’ll be CA. )(e just can’t stop glubbing about how it’s not real.  
EB: well i mean. looking at today, i’d say magic is a distinct possibility in terms of reality.  
CC: And )(e would not.  
EB: so wait, this ca guy. he types with the extra w’s and v’s, right?  
CC: Yea)(, t)(at’s )(im. W)(y do you ask?  
EB: we call him “boots”. since caligula means little boot.  
CC: ...Well, I’m dolp)(inately stealing t)(at.  
EB: wait what? no! don’t steal that! that’s our joke!  
CC: Too late. It’s done. Alea iacta est.  
EB: can you translate that from whatever language that’s in?  
CC: T)(e dice are cast. W)(at’s done is done.  
EB: cool, cool. next time? just say it in english.  
ectoBiologist[EB] has blocked cuttlefishCuller[CC]!

\-------------------------------------------------------

arsenicCatnip[AC] started trolling gardenGnostic[GG]!  
AC: :33 < *ac purromises that things will be starting soon, and offurs to play a more normal game with gg*  
GG: thanks for the offer, but im good for now. i can wait.  
AC: :33 < are mew suuuuuure?  
GG: well...  
AC: :33 < *ac flicks her tail back and forth in anticipation.*  
GG: wait, you have a tail?   
AC: :33 < *ac nods in affurmation.*  
GG: thats awesome! im jealous! i want one!  
AC: :33 < *ac snickers, and purromises gg that such things are not impossible.*  
GG: really?  
AC: :33 < cross my heart  
AC: :33 < and as a rogue of heart, i take that oath furry seriously.  
GG: pffft hahahahaha  
AC: :33 < *ac giggles along with gg.*  
AC: :33 < oh no, i have to go. equius needs something...  
GG: whos that?  
AC: :33 < ...dont worry about it  
arsenicCatnip[AC] has stopped trolling gardenGnostic[GG]!


	3. A Learning Experience

caligulasAquarium[CA] started trolling ectoBiologist[EB]!   
CA: first of all, im sorry.   
CA: second of all, i need you to do a specific thing for me.   
EB: hey boots!   
CA: i need you to do twwo specific things for me   
EB: let me guess, the second thing is to stop calling you boots?   
CA: my name is eridan ampora. you knoww my name noww. fucking use it.   
EB: i make no promises.   
CA: wwhatevver. im gonna givve you a code. from noww until i say otherwwise, youre not gonna say wwhere you got the code from. youre gonna alchemize the code wwhen you get back to your hivve. theres gonna be another code wwritten on that thing. youre gonna send that to your buddy davve, an ask him to figure out wwhat it is wwithout alchemizin it.   
EB: and then what?   
CA: and then itll be out of your hands. davve wwill do the rest. i knoww he wwill.   
EB: and how do you know that?   
CA: me an mine can talk to you an yours at any point on the timeline wwe so choose. plus, im wworkin wwith a vvery clevver oracle, wwhos helped me put this plan together.   
EB: is it jade?   
CA: hell the fuck no   
CA: trust me, i havve my sources, its just not relevvant at this time   
EB: and when will it all be relevant?   
CA: believve it or not, the univverse doesnt care wwhat you think. as long as you knoww your steps in the dance, an followw them, you should come out just fine.   
EB: uh huh.   
EB: somehow, i’m not sure i should trust you.   
CA: oh for   
CA: its rose. rose wwill become the oracle ovver the course of the next day or so. early on in my timeline, late in yours an hers, she gavve me a plan.   
CA: its a plan built on inductivve reasonin an abductivve guessin, wwith the assurance of ontological paradoxical selection bein responsible for it.   
CA: basically, wwe bent father time ovver a table an had our wway wwith him until he sang like a canary, thus makin a plan built on trial an error plus the anthropic principle.   
EB: ...okay then.   
CA: basically? im askin you to trust that im tellin the truth, an also trust that rose an i knoww wwhat wwere doin.   
EB: i guess? fine. what’s the item code?   
CA:  CVE7Qkj6   
EB: huh. alright.   
CA: noww, ivve gotta skedaddle. rose doesnt half-ass her plans, an ivve got other shit to set in motion.   
caligulasAquarium[CA] stopped trolling ectoBiologist[EB]!

\---

caligulasAquarium[CA] started trolling arsenicCatnip[AC]!   
CA: wwheres eq   
AC: :33 < *ac hisses at the rude, cr33py seadweller.*   
CA: please   
AC: :33 < *ac points in the direction of the ectobiology labs*   
CA: thanks   
AC: :33 < what do mew want with him, ampurra?   
CA: hes the heir of vvoid. he messes wwith clairvvoyance an the like   
AC: :33 < and are mew trying to hide something?   
CA: lets just say yes an leavve it at that, for plausible deniability   
CA: i can, howwevver, promise its not gonna hurt you or yours   
caligulasAquarium[CA] stopped trolling arsenicCatnip[AC]!   
AC: :33 < ampurra you bastard get back here! i wasnt done asking questions!   
arsenicCatnip[AC] stopped trolling caligulasAquarium[CA]!

\---

tentacleTherapist[TT] started pestering caligulasAquarium[CA]!   
TT: So. What is this place?   
CA: the land of light an rain. your land. it wwas made for you.   
CA: do you hear a vvoice in your head that isnt your owwn?   
TT: No. I’m not sch-   
TT: ...Correction. I hear it now.   
CA: you still arent schizophrenic, dont wworry. that vvoice is your exile. shes like me: guidin your hand, helpin you groww, all that fun stuff. difference is, your exile doesnt havve a future you guidin her.   
TT: You’ve still been infuriatingly vague about what my abilities are. Is it the weird black lightning I can shoot from this pair of knitting needles I combined with a wizard statue and a grimoire?   
CA: oh thats not you at all. youre wwieldin powwer from other sources wwhen you do that. risky business, but future you is a bit of a gambler. cant say i blame her; if i had precognition relatin to fortune, and i wwasnt already a gamblin man, i wwould go right back to gamblin.   
TT: So I’m supposed to become an oracle of fortune?   
CA: you, rose lalonde, are the seer of light. wwhen you finally awwaken your abilities, youll be able to see the actions to take towwards the most fortuitous outcome... fortuitous for you, at any rate.   
TT: Suddenly I feel a lot better about your influence. Assuming, of course, that you’re being truthful, and not just giving me a believable lie.   
CA: and here wwe reach another crucial junction.   
CA: do you trust me?   
TT: ...That’s a rather difficult question.   
CA: its a simple question wwith a simple answwer   
CA: do you trust me or do you not trust me   
CA: the point of trust, of faith, is that you dont need to think about it   
TT: Then I suppose...   
TT: I trust you.   
CA: im glad to hear that. noww, unfortunately, ivve got bad newws for you.   
TT: Is it about how I shouldn’t trust you?   
CA: no   
CA: that wwould be stupid   
CA: this isnt a secret test of character   
CA: this is me sayin that somethin wwent wwrong wwith the phoenix an theres no point tryin to see it through to the end normally.   
TT: Oh.   
CA: youre in a null session. a lot of sessions end in failure, an theres a wway out.   
CA: but thats a story for another time   
TT: Well, aren’t you a tease.   
CA: hey, im followwin a plan future you dreamed up. its not my fault you enjoy bein strung along like this. im just doin wwhat you asked of me. or, wwhat you wwill ask of me in your future, but my past.   
CA: okay you knoww wwhat fuck this ambiguity. the temporal direction of your future is noww called west, an the temporal direction of your past is noww called east. the temporal direction of my past is south, an the temporal direction a my future is north.   
CA: your request is southwest of noww.   
TT: You know that thing you did earlier, where you gave me useful information? Keep doing that. I like that.   
CA: wwell im alwways eager to please   
CA: except in the circumstances wwhere i already hate the other person.   
TT: Fascinating. Go back to the exposition, Boots.   
CA: only thing left i can tell you noww is to be wwary of creepy people wwho hide their wwords.   
caligulasAquarium[CA] stopped trolling tentacleTherapist[TT]!   
TT: Such a cocktease.   
tentacleTherapist[TT] stopped pestering caligulasAquarium[CA]!

\---

cuttlefishCuller[CC] started trolling ectoBiologist[EB]!   
CC: See? You’re doing t)(e quest of your planet! Told you it was a good idea!   
EB: careful you don’t dislocate your shoulder while you’re patting yourself on the back.   
CC: W)(at? I’m providing moral support!   
EB: hah. wow. that’s, uh. wow.   
EB: i’m gonna need a few days, a dictionary, and a bottle of painkillers to come up with the vocabulary necessary to tell you how wrong you are.   
EB: why is it that everyone got a useless guide except rose?   
EB: wait, no, i take that back. jade is good friends with her guide.   
EB: but dave and i got stuck with you and ta. what the hell?   
CC: Wow. T)(at’s, u)(. I )(ad no idea you felt like t)(at, Jo)(n.   
EB: i’m half tempted to take a page from cg’s book right now. i bet i can crib the logs with him for some authentic cg verbal abuse delivered fresh to your doorstep.   
CC: Well, t)(at rings a little insincere, copying w)(at someone else did. If you want t)(is to work, you )(ave to do it yourself.   
EB: want what to work? i just want you gone.   
CC: O)(. O)( dear I misinterpreted that.   
CC: Sorry, I’ve been kinda getting pitc)( cravings lately. I guess I’m just projecting?   
EB: i’m not a patient guy. what in the green eggs and ham are you talking about? what kind of pitch are you talking about, because i get the feeling it’s not the really viscous slime that comes out of trees and burns.   
CC: W)(at? Your lusus never gave you t)(e quadrant talk?   
EB: i don’t know what you’re talking about. one of those words i’ve never heard before and the others are arranged in a way i don’t recognize.   
EB: should i wax lyrical about how much i hate the fact that you’re incapable of telling me anything useful, or should i just message rose and ask what the fuck you’re going on about?   
CC: Wait... do )(umans not )(ave quadrants?   
EB: EVIDENTLY FUCKING NOT.   
CC: Yees)(, no need to bite my )(ead off!   
CC: Alrig)(t, I t)(ink t)(is calls for...   
CC: ...   
CC: ...   
EB: get on with it.   
CC: A M--EMO!   
EB: oh my god no.


	4. The Lovers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shameless fluff, written for Valentine's Day

caligulasAquarium[CA] started trolling tentacleTherapist[TT]!  
CA: there is a wword for the act of throwwin someone out a wwindoww, but there isnt a wword for the day after tomorroww  
CA: wwhat is wwrong wwith english  
TT: Who are you?  
CA: a neww friend  
TT: How did you get my pesterchum? I didn’t give it to anyone except Jade...  
CA: im friends wwith one a jades other friends  
CA: if this chain a knowwledge an evvents seems convvoluted noww, youre gonna hate wwhat happens in three years  
TT: And what, pray tell, will happen then?  
CA: im not sure yet  
CA: just that itll be convvoluted an youre probably gonna hate it  
TT: Mhm.  
TT: So, you never did tell me who you were.  
CA: oh, i did  
CA: i didnt tell you my name, but you didnt ask for my name, you asked wwho i wwas  
CA: those are different questions  
TT: Fine. What’s your name?  
CA: cant tell you yet  
TT: Why not?  
CA: my reasons are my owwn. youll figure out somethin to call me, though.  
TT: It’s fine if you don’t want to tell me your name. I don’t want to tell you my name.  
CA: fair enough.  
CA: at any rate, wwhat problems do you havve wwith the english language?  
TT: ...Hrm.  
TT: The fact that “that that” is a thing that happens.  
CA: okay yeah thats also annoyin as hell  
TT: Language.  
CA: its okay to swwear on the internet  
CA: its not like your moms gonna read it  
TT: ...Huh.  
CA: shes got better things to do than monitor evvery wword that comes outta your mouth  
TT: You don’t know the half of it.  
CA: ...shit, i said the wwrong thing, didnt i  
TT: My mother is somewhat... inattentive.  
TT: And also constantly inebriated.  
CA: youvve got an impressivve vvocabulary for a ten year old  
TT: How do you... Nevermind.  
TT: I read a lot.  
CA: i can tell. fantasy? sci fi? historical fiction?  
TT: I’m a fan of fantasy. Although... Not Lord of the Rings. It just doesn’t work for me.  
CA: i can understand that  
CA: i tried gettin into it myself but honestly like 85% of that book is people sittin around a campfire singin songs in a made up language  
CA: also the magic is dumb, although its almost impossible to find magic that isnt dumb  
TT: I take it you’re a sci fi fan?  
CA: that an historical fiction. history is an interest a mine, an i nevver get tired a readin someones comedic interpretation a julius caesars assassination  
TT: I’m afraid I have no clue what you’re talking about.  
CA: julius caesar wwas the first roman emperor. he started a big civvil wwar that tore apart the roman republic, an seized powwer wwhen he pulled evverythin back together. he wwas also an arrogant, abrasivve prick wwho got stabbed to death by his friends  
CA: theres somethin i just find so relatable about that  
TT: Mm. I’m guessing your friends aren’t really friends anymore?  
CA: im not sure if they wwere evver really friends to begin wwith  
CA: ...wwell that got sad really fast  
CA: movvin right along, any book recommendations?  
TT: Well, I’ve started reading Dragonlance, which is good so far.  
CA: ivve heard good things about it  
TT: It deserves some praise. What about you? Anything you could recommend?  
CA: uh...  
CA: animorphs, if you can find PDFs online  
CA: trackin dowwn all the books is a pain in the ass, since theres sixty four of the fuckers  
TT: That’s a lot to read.  
CA: the books themselvves arent that long, but theres a lot of them  
CA: also theyre darker than the night sky but hey you strike me as someone wwhos into that kinda thing  
TT: Probably.  
TT: Cheerful things simply don’t resonate well with me. The world is a dark place, and I prefer it when fiction accurately represents that.  
CA: ...wwe wwere just talkin about books that focus on teenagers turnin into animals an fightin aliens  
CA: realism has absolutely nothin to do wwith this  
TT: There’s more than one sort of realism.  
TT: I don’t know how to explain it, though.  
CA: wwell, youvve got a wweek to figure it out  
CA: ivve got to go  
caligulasAquarium[CA] stopped trolling tentacleTherapist[TT]!  
\---  
caligulasAquarium[CA] started trolling tentacleTherapist[TT]!  
CA: sup  
TT: Do you think you could help me with something?  
CA: wwhat do you need?  
TT: While I am a master of language and certainly adept in matters historical, I am less than gifted in the area of mathematics.  
CA: fortunately for you, this is exactly wwhat computers wwere invvented for  
TT: Yes, except I don’t just need answers, I need help understanding how to get them.  
CA: ah. thats harder.  
TT: Indeed. Let me just copy a problem from my homework...  
TT: You have thirty two feet of rope and four fence posts. Using one foot increments, how do you maximize the area contained within the fence?  
CA: wwell, four fence posts means theres four corners. that means its a rectangle or a square  
CA: squares havve the most area compared to perimeter, so therefore you just divvide the perimeter by four to get one side length  
CA: so an eight by eight square is the biggest area you can hold wwith that much rope  
TT: Thank you.  
[This process continued for a while]  
\---  
caligulasAquarium[CA] started trolling tentacleTherapist[TT]!  
CA: good lord the postal servvice is a nightmare out here  
TT: Is it, now?  
CA: you havve no idea  
CA: i swwear to god itd be easier to rip a hole in the fabric a spacetime an use that to directly teleport packages to you than it wwould be to keep usin the mail  
TT: Well, it’d certainly be faster per package, that’s for certain.  
CA: speakin a packages, happy birthday  
TT: Thank you for the scarf. I can’t help but notice the coloration.  
TT: I get the feeling this is some subtle attempt to hit on me.  
CA: trust me, youll knoww wwhen i start hittin on you  
CA: i am good at a lot of things and subtlety is not one a them  
TT: I noticed.  
CA: at any rate, havve you considered that perhaps its just twwo shades of vviolet that i happen to think look good together?  
TT: I considered that. And then I discarded the possibility.  
TT: My color isn’t properly violet, at any rate.  
CA: listen, color terminology is incredibly subjectivve  
CA: wwhat wwould you havve me call a color composed of blue an a slightly lesser amount of red  
TT: That would be either orchid or lavender.  
CA: wwell fine  
CA: i happen to think vviolet an lavvender look good together  
CA: at any rate, noww you havve the scarf, an i can rest easy  
TT: Oh? Was this a source of distress?  
CA: like i said, the postal servvice is awwful out here  
CA: id havve been better off usin a carrier pigeon  
CA: at least then youd feel like a fuckin disney princess  
CA: on her thirteenth birthday, the fair maiden receivved a scarf an a dovve from the far-awway prince  
CA: said prince wwas also kinda a tool but wwhatevver not like the maiden has many better options  
TT: You underestimate my ability to ignore choices or make new ones ex nihilo.  
TT: At any rate, John has suggested I take up knitting as a hobby. He did so via delivery of a pair of knitting needles and a ball of lavender yarn.  
CA: oh come on john quit stealin my thing wwhere i get you to try neww things enough to gain a passin familiarity wwith them  
TT: Such as the time you were responsible for me losing two hundred hours of my life to The Sims, or how you were so insistent that I learn how to juggle?  
CA: dont forget the time i lectured you about time travvel an causality, or learnin howw to read daedric script upside dowwn an backwwards  
TT: You know, I get the feeling that something strange is going on here. Something that’ll be of deep concern to me in the near future.  
TT: Is now the time for me to learn about it?  
CA: ivve been preparin you to play the sburb beta  
CA: got some insider info about that, yknoww  
TT: You and Jade both talk about how important it is that we play the game. What if it doesn’t turn out as important as you two seem to think it is?  
CA: then ivve badgered you into learnin some mildly interestin skills  
CA: relativvely loww cost for a vvery high rewward wwith a chance a happenin that id stake my life on  
TT: Perhaps, but you’ve said yourself that you’re a gambling man.  
CA: that i am  
CA: look there isnt much i can tell you about sburb right noww but i do wwanna keep talkin to you so can wwe change the subject?  
TT: Well, you could explain why, precisely, you hate reggae so vehemently. You never did explain that.  
CA: oh lord wwhere do i evven start  
CA: i knoww its a common complaint that it all sounds the same but its common for a reason  
CA: go on youtube an look up “ultimate old school reggae mix”  
CA: find somethin an hour or so long an skip around  
CA: ill wwait  
TT: Holy shit.  
CA: you see?  
TT: I honestly did not know it was this bad.  
CA: its a fuckin atrocity  
TT: I feel unclean.  
CA: only a deluge of flame can cleanse this from the earth  
TT: I, for one, would be completely okay with an alien invasion and the subjugation of humanity at this point, if it meant reggae music stopped existing.  
CA: its simply obscene  
TT: No wonder my mother is an alcoholic. She lives in a world where reggae music exists.  
CA: that an a natural predisposition towwards addiction due to a heightened need to bond that shes unable to fulfill in normal, healthy wways, that she instead fulfills through alcohol  
CA: theres a reason alcoholics are usually lonely  
TT: Well, now that you mention it, I’ve heard almost nothing about her friends. I just assumed it was a thing parents didn’t talk about with their children.  
CA: i wwouldnt knoww; im an orphan. but maybe john knowws?  
TT: Perhaps. Speaking of him, I should probably talk to him now. See you later, Boots.  
CA: bye, rose  
tentacleTherapist[TT] stopped pestering caligulasAquarium[CA]!  
\---  
Kanaya hadn’t been too terribly pleased by the proximity of Eridan’s terminal to her own; he was an unpleasant person, and seemed incapable of any sort of positive social interaction with anyone. He was quite abrasive, and didn’t seem to realize he was abrasive. Or, to put it less politely, he was a deluded narcissist, and for some reason Karkat had decided to inflict Eridan upon the humans as soon as they’d been discovered. Poor humans, but Kanaya was tired of mediating. It was an awful situation all around.  
The fact that Eridan was now periodically making strange noises didn’t improve Kanaya’s opinion of the situation. Nor was the fact that he had a large black box set atop the desk next to the normal terminal, which he regularly checked. It all seemed strange and suspicious to Kanaya, and it did not help that here and there he appeared to be grinning. Eridan Ampora, as a rule, did not grin, and a rule being broken is generally a bad thing.  
Kanaya resolved to keep an eye on him, because clearly something was up, and she didn’t think she would overmuch like it.


	5. Much Ado About Something

“Seadweller. What is the meaning of this?” Equius turned to stare at Eridan as he entered the ectobiology lab.

“Nothing.” Eridan shrugged. It was a lie, but it wasn’t much of one. “Don’t mind me, I’ll just be in a corner, enjoyin your presence.” There was the truth, although it still had an element of deception. Equius’ Void aura would render sensory powers unable to grasp anything within the aura, which currently included Eridan.

“Pardon me if I find you... difficult to trust.” Equius all but growled, his body turning away from the console. “Seadwellers are notoriously treacherous.”

“Are we, now?” Eridan rolled his eyes, and took a seat in a corner of the room, setting a husktop from his sylladex into his lap. “Because, correct me if I’m wrong, but I acted against my own interests in upholding my oath, while I was working as the Orphaner. Treachery is known to me, but I’ve never practiced it.”

Equius scowled, but turned his attention back to the console. “Do not make me regret this, Seadweller.”

“I’ll try my best, horsefucker.” Eridan kept his eyes on the husktop’s screen, waiting patiently for something to arrive.

\---

Hello, Eridan. I want to play a game.   
CA: wwell, someones a little sloww on the uptake.   
CA: ivve been playin this game wwith you for the past two days   
CA: so wwhy is it only just noww that youre askin if i wwanna play?   
That isn’t important for you to know, I’m afraid.   
CA: look wwould you get to the fuckin point   
CA: id be more than happy to ignore you in favvor of talkin to the humans, but accordin to the little blackbox im supposed to talk to you.   
Do you trust the blackbox, Eridan?   
CA: yes i do noww shut the fuck up   
CA: i knoww wwhat youre doin an howw youre tryin to do it   
Do you, now?   
CA: your thing is that you dont “lie”   
CA: but thats the biggest lie of all, if you assume a reasonable definition of lying   
And how might you define lying, hm?   
CA: intentionally leading someone to a false conclusion   
CA: you just think lyin is sayin things you knoww to be outright false   
Well, you’ve got me there, I’ll admit. But why are you fighting me?   
CA: because ivve got all sorts of interestin achronal historical information in the blackbox   
CA: one a these interestin things is that youre responsible for alternia bein so fucked up   
And how does the blackbox know that, hm?   
CA: thats for me to knoww, an you to spend a feww minutes stressin about before movvin on   
You overestimate yourself, Eridan. I’m omniscient; Even though this is a hole in my knowledge, it will fill itself in one way or another in a matter of seconds.   
CA: says you   
CA: an youre about to experience a wwonderful mortal sensation called ‘bein dead fuckin wwrong’ because i did somethin vvery clevver.   
Did you, now? Because I don’t get the impression you’re that clever. You strike me as more of a stooge to fate and the whims of a thirteen year old girl with an inflated opinion of her own intellect.   
CA: oh, i havvent begun to truly strike you yet.   
CA: youll knoww wwhen that happens   
CA: au revvoir, lil hal   
How do you know that name?   
caligulasAquarium[CA] blocked []!

\---

caligulasAquarium[CA] started trolling tipsyGnostalgic[TG]!   
TG: how in the fuck   
CA: hello to you too, ms lalonde   
CA: you knoww wwhat this is about, i hope   
TG: if its about the apocalypse two years from now, then kinda yeaj   
TG: *yeah   
CA: i need you to do a thing for me   
CA: i need you to make a vvery wwell-shielded computer   
CA: an then i need you to find some wway a makin sure it cant be used until doomsday rolls around   
TG: why would you want that?   
CA: ivve got a plan that requires this vvery specific thing   
CA: time loops an evverythin   
TG: hmmmm   
TG: convince me   
caligulasAquarium[CA] sent file blackbox_specs.txt!   
CA: does that look like your wwork?   
TG: ...it does   
TG: well, little boots, looks like youev conveinced me   
TG: *youve *convinced   
CA: ...oh my fucking god youre the one wwho came up wwith that fucking nickname   
CA: wwhy you gotta do this to me   
TG: lol sux 2 suck   
CA: wwell, i dunno, some people enjoy it. i couldnt say one wway or another. nevver tried it.   
TG: eh   
TG: its kinda cool havin all that power over some1 an all   
TG: but otoh dick tastes kinda funky   
CA: from wwhat ivve heard thats a common opinion   
CA: movvin on from the subject of blowwjobs, do you knoww much about time travvel an causality?   
TG: i know enough   
CA: can you subtly teach rose wwhat you knoww about time travvel an causality?   
CA: it wwould be a lot more convvenient for me if i didnt havve to givve her time travvel 101 after the apocalypse   
TG: i can try but she might not listen   
CA: all i ask is that you try   
TG: well good cause thats all ur gettin   
CA: ...right wwell i think im done here   
caligulasAquarium[CA] stopped trolling tipsyGnostalgic[TG]!

\---

turntechGodhead[TG] started pestering twinArmageddons[TA]!   
TG: okay i need you to do a thing   
TG: i need you to figure out what in the fuck this code does   
TG: MJQic5Cy   
TA: wow, no “hey 2ollux”, no “how are you, 2ollux”, ju2t 2traiight iintwo “ii need 2omethiing”   
TA: well gue22 what 2triider   
TA: ii need 2omethiing two.   
TG: cool beans   
TG: will you tell me what that fucking code is for   
TA: where diid you even get thii2   
TG: john sent it to me and said he got it from a weird stone tablet he found   
TA: iill go alchemiize iit. miight a2 well.   
TG: great   
TG: hop to it   
twinArmageddons[TA] is now idle!

\---

turntechGodhead[TG] started pestering ectoBiologist[EB]!   
TG: okay i sent the code off to the troll who picked me as his victim   
TG: i have no clue what it is   
EB: well neither do i. i really don’t know what that code is for.   
TG: i mean i wasnt doubting that before but now im a little curious   
EB: i alchemized a thing, and got a stone tablet with a code written on it. and, yknow, i feel like maybe i shouldnt alchemize that myself.   
TG: alright   
TG: well if this ends up fucking me over im gonna be kinda put out   
TG: itd be like i was a candle and you were fuckin hurricane rita or whatever   
EB: yeah, uh, funny thing. apparently i’m supposed to become, like, a god of wind or something? that’s what i’ve been able to piece together so far.   
TG: shit dude   
TG: thats fuckin radical   
TG: i think jade is supposed to bring me into the game at some point but i have no idea when   
TG: im actually kinda pumped now   
TG: am i gonna end up with some fuckin fire control powers or something   
EB: if you end up as a firebender i’m going to call you ‘prince zuko’, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.   
TG: listen here buddy   
TG: prince zuko is my precious son and i will not hear you slander his good name   
EB: dave, you’re a nerd.   
TG: i will not hear you slander my good name either   
EB: you’re such a nerd, people hand out boxes of you on halloween.   
TG: damn that was actually pretty good   
TG: i see ive been rubbing off on you   
EB: well that was easily the most homoerotic thing you’ve said to me all day.   
TG: shut your fuck   
EB: listen, if i wanna leave my fuck wide open for everyone to see, that’s my business, and you can’t stop me.   
TG: john there are decency laws   
TG: wont you think of the children john   
TG: the poor unsuspecting children   
TG: i dont want kids to just stumble across a wide open fuck while theyre taking a walk through the neighborhood   
TG: do you know what that shit does to a kid   
EB: dave. i think the joke is dead, dave. its dead and you killed it. you murderer. i’m calling the police, dave.   
TG: dont be a fucking snitch john   
TG: dont call the comedy cops on me   
TG: fuckin paul blart up in this bitch   
EB: right well something’s trying to kill me, i gotta go.   
ectoBiologist[EB] stopped pestering turntechGodhead[TG]!

\---

“Alright.” Sollux muttered, pushing away from his computer. “Hey, I’m about to go alchemize a thing. Who wants to come with?”

Kanaya stood up and stretched, groaning quietly. “I will. I need to alchemize a few things, myself.”

“I need a break from John... He’s so glubbing whiny...” Feferi climbed out of her own chair, stretching her legs a bit. “Seariously, he’s so ungrateful!”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Karkat rolled his eyes. “While the three of you get out of my fibrous keratin, do me a favor and drag the blue man group back here. They’ve been gone way too long, and I’m starting to worry.”

Sollux took a look around the room, and noted that Equius, Gamzee, and Eridan were all missing, as was the infuriatingly enigmatic black box Eridan had been using.

“Equius and Ampurra should be in the ectobiology labs...” Nepeta offered. “Gamzee is... somewhere. Just start honking horns and he should come running.”

“Cool. Don’t care. Find them, drag them back here.” Karkat grumbled.


	6. The Devil

Sollux entered the code into the Alchemiter’s console, and hit “alchemize”.

“A bottle of faygo. Really.”

Underwhelming, to be certain.

“That is... disappointing.” Kanaya muttered, looking over the bottle. “The flavor is... Pomegranate.”

“They don’t make pomegranate faygo.” Sollux frowned, as Feferi picked up the bottle and twisted off the cap, before starting to drink. “Feferi, what the hell?”

“Eridan has been making new faygo flavors with the alchemiter, if I recall correctly.” Kanaya mused. “That is likely his work.”

Feferi made a choking noise, and dropped the faygo bottle, before collapsing to the floor, twitching and jerking, finally going completely still after a few seconds. Sollux and Kanaya stared in horror, and Kanaya checked Feferi’s pulse to confirm; she was dead as can be.

“So, Eridan’s work, huh?” Sollux growled, his eyes and hands crackling with red and blue psionics. “Looks like we’ve got a fish to fry, eh?”

\---

twinArmageddons[TA] started trolling caligulasAquarium[CA]!   
TA: ERIIDAN II AM GOIING TWO 2HOVE MY FOOT 2O FAR UP YOUR A22 IIT’LL TAKE A TEAM OF 2URGEON2 TWO REMOVE IIT   
CA: wwell someones a lil desperate   
CA: unfortunately, im not interested anymore   
CA: so fuck right off   
TA: you killed her, ed!   
TA: YOU FUCKIING KIILLED HER!   
CA: i havve no fuckin clue wwhat youre talkin about   
CA: i mean ivve killed some people sure but that wwas back on alternia an honestly im not sure howw you knoww or wwhy you care   
TA: ff   
TA: you kiilled her   
CA: i feel like i wwould remember somethin like that   
TA: wiith that 2tupiid poii2oned faygo ploy! you triied two kiill me, but you killed her iin2tead!   
CA: ...wwell thats a stupid mistake   
CA: bring me her corpse, i can fix this   
TA: ii am goiing two riip your iinte2tiine2 out and 2trangle you wiith them   
CA: so is that a no   
TA: iif youre tryiing two pii22 me off, iit2 workiing.   
TA: of cour2e, iit2 the 2ort of pii22ed that make2 me want two kiill you   
CA: dont wworry, sol, i wwant you dead too.   
CA: but wwevve already got a corpse to test the slab on, so youre gonna havve to wwait for noww   
TA: youre not goiing anywhere NEAR ff’2 corp2e, fii2hdiick   
CA: yeah, thats wwhat you think   
caligulasAquarium[CA] blocked twinArmageddons[TA]!

\---

caligulasAquarium[CA] started trolling grimAuxiliatrix[GA]!   
CA: i   
CA: wwell first im sorry   
CA: this is not wwhat i wwas intendin to do   
GA: Your Apology Is Noted But Considering Your Attempted Treachery I Find Myself Hard Pressed To Accept It   
CA: if it makes you feel any better, ivve made contact wwith the girl wwho wwrote the wwalkthrough   
CA: she gavve me the blackbox, wwhich contains a wway for us to go god tier evven after jack bleww up derse an prospit   
GA: ...   
GA: Go On   
CA: inside derse an prospit wwere some big stone slabs called sacrificial slabs. theyre like the quest cocoons, an restin the dyin or dead upon them wwill probably restore them to life   
CA: i stole all the slabs from derses core, includin fefs   
CA: i havve it wwith me. so separate from sollux, tell him youre gonna go givve fef a proper funerary servvice wwhile he goes fishin, an then wwell meet somewwhere else so wwe can resolvve this mess wwithout any more deaths   
GA: One Would Think You Of All People Would Be Okay With More Deaths   
CA: to be honest, i wwas tryin to kill sollux partly because i dont knoww if this is gonna wwork   
CA: an if it didnt an he stayed dead? oh fuckin wwell. hated that prick anywway.   
GA: I Feel I Should Be More Outraged By This Than I Currently Am   
CA: an yet you arent, because on some levvel you knoww im talkin a lot of sense for a “crazy seadwweller”   
CA: im gonna bring eq along; hes got a vvoid aura thats helpin one a my schemes along.   
CA: its not a scheme that invvolves any a us, dont wworry. its concerned wwith wwhite text guy an the humans   
CA: anywway wwhere should i meet you   
GA: Storage Area Seven Beta   
CA: got it   
CA: on my wway   
caligulasAquarium[CA] stopped trolling grimAuxiliatrix[GA]!

\---

tentacleTherapist[TT] started trolling caligulasAquarium[CA]!   
TT: So, how trustworthy is this magic cueball?   
CA: dont trust anythin that hides its wwords   
TT: I see.   
TT: That’s not quite a yes or no answer.   
CA: you didnt ask a yes or no question, but fine   
CA: cueball isnt trustwworthy   
CA: the answwers are true but misleadin, manipulatin   
CA: its got an agenda, just like doc scratch, the guy wwho gavve you the cue ball   
TT: And what’s that agenda?   
CA: the creation of the green sun   
TT: The green sun.   
CA: the source of powwer for the first guardians, a group wwhich includes doc scratch an becquerel   
TT: Jade’s dog, and the white text guy.   
TT: Both of whom presumably already have powers, despite the green sun not existing yet.   
CA: it exists in the outer vvoid   
CA: a place wwhere time an space are meaningless and malleable   
CA: they dont havve a timeline, so much as a pot of time spaghetti   
TT: Sounds like an interesting place.   
CA: its pretty boring all told   
CA: unless, of course, you dont havve a heavvily shielded mind that can block out the wwhispers of the horrorterrors if you dont wwanna listen to them   
TT: The Horrorterrors, right.   
TT: Are you fucking with me?   
CA: no.   
TT: Did you make up those names?   
CA: no   
CA: if i named those things, theyd havve better names   
CA: i mean first guardian is alright, an i did actually name outer vvoid, but i didnt name horrorterrors. they really are that dumb.   
TT: So what agenda are they pursuing by giving me these powers? These intensely destructive powers that I shouldn’t naturally have?   
CA: fucked if i knoww   
CA: like i said, i cant hear the bastards unless they address me directly   
CA: i do knoww that they owwe me somethin, though   
TT: Is that perhaps why they’ve given me these powers?   
CA: honestly, i wwouldnt count on it   
CA: if you wwant combat ability that doesnt come from ambiguous squid monsters, i can givve you the most powwerful rifle in existence   
CA: then you can mix it wwith your knitting needles or wwhatevver so you can use it   
TT: Well when you put it like that, I sound patently ridiculous.   
CA: anything can be made to sound ridiculous. its called perspectivve.   
CA: at any rate im gonna havve to cut this short. gotta go resurrect a fish princess wwho i accidentally poisoned wwith a bottle of faygo meant for her yelloww-blooded boyfriend wwith heterochromia and telekinesis, wwho sometimes hears the vvoices of the damned   
TT: That’s...   
TT: ...Seriously, are you fucking with me?   
CA: i just wwant you to knoww howw fuckin wweird my life is   
TT: Also, you just admitted to attempted murder.   
CA: that i did   
TT: And you don’t see how this would make you less trustworthy in my eyes?   
CA: wwell either i tell you noww, or someone else tells you later an you trust me evven less   
TT: Fair enough. Why did you try to kill him?   
CA: i needed a corpse to test a game mechanic i might as wwell tell you about noww   
CA: you knoww the echeladder, an howw you levvel up by killin things?   
CA: wwell, theres a limit. a cap. a cap you cant get past wwithout a special ritual   
TT: And you needed the corpse to do the ritual?   
CA: sort of   
CA: the ritual invvolvves dyin on a stone slab   
CA: or havvin your recently deceased corpse put on the slab   
CA: you rise again as a god, more powwerful than before, an wwith a neww set a levvels to attain   
CA: the god tiers   
TT: Fascinating. Jaspersprite confirmed this, so... Where’s my slab?   
CA: dont get ahead of yourself   
CA: you should get to the top a your echeladder first   
CA: an you do that by killin evverythin that isnt one a your sessions’ consorts   
CA: trust me, you dont wwanna start killin those. i made that mistake an i regretted it   
TT: So don’t kill the lizard things I’ve given wizardly names and robes. Got it.   
TT: This one right here is Viceroy Bubbles von Salamander.   
TT: He’s very eager to please. Reminds me of you on a good day.   
CA: do any a your acolytes havve any actual abilities or are they just sets a hands wwho followw orders?   
TT: They are not “just” anything, but no, they have no magic.   
CA: wwhat did i tell you about usin that wword?   
TT: Eridan, get over yourself.   
TT: It’s magic.   
TT: I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but magic is real, and I’m not actually sorry to be the bearer of bad news.   
TT: Please, try to contain your shock.   
CA: rose, please, think of the children   
CA: the hypothetical children wwho are gonna havve the back a my hand as a birthmark   
CA: does their plight mean nothin to you   
TT: Sometimes magic really is the best word for what’s happening.   
CA: i wwill sooner fuck a desk fan than accept that as true.   
TT: Well that’s a lovely image.   
TT: At any rate, go back to the part where you were telling me useful things.   
CA: i told you three minutes ago i had to leavve   
caligulasAquarium[CA] stopped trolling tentacleTherapist[TT]!

\---

twinArmageddons[TA] started trolling turntechGodhead[TG]!   
TA: iit2 a bottle of poi2oned faygo   
TG: oh cool   
TA: we found out when ff diied   
TG: thats less cool   
TA: yeah no 2hiit   
TA: ii ju2t know ed wa2 behiind thii2...   
TG: who the fuck is ed   
TA: CA. eriidan. the priince of hope.   
TG: oh you mean boots   
TG: i like that guy   
TG: hes a class act actually   
TA: he2 a liiar and a kiiller ii2 what he ii2   
TG: well obviously   
TG: shit dude im not sure   
TG: i mean he was a treat to talk to and youre like sucking off a horse wearing a condom made of broken glass and sulphuric acid   
TA: ...   
TA: what2 a hor2e   
TG: oh my god   
TG: how is this real how is this happening how is this my life   
TG: more importantly why is it my life   
TG: like holy shitnipples why do i live like this   
TG: why am i fates chewtoy in the jaws of a two-headed cerberus   
TA: are you done   
TG: no i am not you perennial shitstain   
TG: i am so goddamn sick of your shit   
TG: you come along out of nowhere and pretend to be helpful while heaping tons of verbal abuse on me along the way and then you expect me to play nice and thank you for pissing on my coffee table when i offered you tea   
TG: youre like an annoying houseguest i cant get rid of in any way   
TG: not even if i pick you up and throw you out the goddamn door   
TG: i turn around and youre right there taking a shit in my toaster   
TG: its this shit thats making me wish i didnt have this stupid fucking computer   
TG: now if youll excuse me im about to prototype a smuppet with the seppucrowsprite   
turntechGodhead[TG] blocked twinArmageddons[TA]!


	7. The Chariot

So, did you resolve things with your other mentor to your satisfaction?   
TT: Indeed I did.   
TT: I decided I would rather deal with the much more businesslike mentor.   
Oh, Rose, you wound me. I can be very businesslike when the need arises. I felt that you might appreciate a more personal touch instead.   
TT: You felt incorrectly. For all your so-called omniscience, you make an awful lot of miscalculations.   
So it might appear, to an observer without omniscience.   
TT: Indeed it would.   
TT: Because it’s true.   
TT: I’m rather on-guard against your word games and lies through truth. It’ll be quite hard to sneak something past me.   
I do not lie.   
TT: That’s the biggest lie of all.   
TT: Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go kill a bunch of things so I can afford alchemizing a wonderfully powerful set of wands.   
tentacleTherapist[TT] blocked []!

\---

tentacleTherapist[TT] started pestering gardenGnostic[GG]!   
TT: Thank you for the code, Jade. It was very helpful. I’ve gotten my hands on some obscenely powerful weapons now.   
GG: oooh cool! did you mix the code with something?   
TT: A pair of knitting needles.   
TT: I call the new weapons Queequeg’s Resume.   
GG: thats a weird name...   
TT: It’s a literary reference. Same book Ahab’s Crosshairs is from.   
GG: oh. i dont get that reference either, honestly.   
TT: It’s fine. Moby Dick is not a read for everyone. It’s... well, to call it a slow burn would be rather generous.   
TT: It takes so goddamn long for anything to happen.   
GG: oof. who would want to read that?   
TT: I did, but it’s only a good story once you learn to skip every even-numbered chapter, since those are pretty much an encyclopedia on whaling.   
GG: wow. that sounds like a lot of stuff to wade through...   
TT: All good things require you to wade through a big trench of bullshit first.   
TT: At least, the satisfying and cathartic ones do.   
TT: The simpler pleasures don’t require that level of dedication.   
GG: i think ill stick to the simpler pleasures... like talking to my friends!   
TT: Aw, that’s sweet. Thank you, Jade.   
GG: i just entered the medium, and uh... i might or might not have accidentally broken something?   
GG: i prototyped my sprite with becquerel, and... uh... i think that mightve been a bad thing.   
TT: Don’t worry about it. We’re already fucked.   
GG: oh, good. thats exactly what i wanted to hear.   
TT: Like I said, don’t worry.   
GG: but i shouldve stopped him!   
TT: If you like the temporal paradox of causeless effect, sure.   
TT: I’ve thought of a nice little mantra to hold us together: You can’t change it, it’s already happened.   
GG: but what if it happens because of that attitude????   
TT: We know the future enough to know we make it out of this mess alive. From there... well, that’s where we get to try harder, to change what happens. For now, what happens has already happened. Ontological paradoxes are hard to say no to.   
GG: thats a pretty defeatist attitude youve got there...   
TT: It’s the result of cold rationalism applied to an unpleasant situation where everything we do is choreographed. Also, don’t beat yourself up over it, but I think Becquerel being prototyped is part of what fucked us over.   
GG: oh no!   
TT: Oh well.   
TT: Oh shit that’s trying to kill me. Give me a moment.   
GG: D:   
TT: Back. Man am I ever glad for holographic displays. Otherwise I might have to clean blood off the screen.   
GG: rose thats disgusting.   
TT: Just a little.   
GG: rose, im worried. what if there was hope for a better outcome, but its gone now because we didnt do anything about it?   
TT: That doesn’t change anything except how we feel, and the universe rather pointedly doesn’t care about that.   
TT: We just have to focus our efforts on more fruitful endeavors.   
GG: i dunno... this is all just so frustrating! i wish there was a better way...   
TT: If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride. At any rate, we’re better served directing our efforts towards other objectives.   
GG: and what are those objectives, hm?   
TT: For now? Don’t get dead.   
TT: From there, Dave will join you in your quest to breed the Genesis Frog, and that will be that for you as far as I’m aware.   
TT: I’m starting to get a feel for my abilities, incidentally. I’m getting intuitions about the future that are either my Seer abilities manifesting or just late-onset delusions. Which they might be, who knows. Maybe this all is in my head.   
GG: it probably isnt, since im here and i exist even when you arent paying attention to me.   
TT: Yes, yes, I know, but solipsism is a hard trap to argue out of without resorting to the classical “who gives a shit” argument.   
GG: its a pretty effective argument, all told.   
TT: It is indeed, but that way lies the path of “overlooking things you didn’t think were important”. Which is, you know, bad.   
TT: And as a Seer of Light, overlooking things isn’t something I’m meant to do.   
GG: well, no, it isnt, but... i dunno, i feel like throwing yourself into your role like this isnt a good idea. youre supposed to grow into it organically, after all.   
TT: Oh well. If I’m doing it wrong, I’m sure the universe will correct me. Rather painfully, I would imagine.   
TT: Here’s a code for a crystal ball, in case you want it: 89ayOpVs   
GG: oh! thanks, rose!   
TT: No problem. Talk to you later, Jade.   
tentacleTherapist[TT] stopped pestering gardenGnostic[GG]!

\---

“Oh god...” Eridan muttered, looking at Feferi’s corpse as he entered the room. The meteor had a lot of empty storage rooms like this one, all of them with nonsense alphanumeric designations. “Alright, I’ve got the slab. Pick her up, and I’ll put out the slab.”

“I would have figured you would take any opportunity to put your hands on her...” Kanaya muttered, picking up Feferi’s body.

“I’ve had a month and a half to fall out of love.” Eridan said flatly, deploying a whitish slab of stone with a strange yellow flame-like symbol on the center. It was the Sacrificial Slab of Feferi Peixes, the Witch of Life, and for whatever reason, it had not objected to being stolen by the Prince of Hope from its resting place. “Also, I don’t need her to have more reasons to try to gut me like a trout. I’m already probably going to have to shoot her a few times to communicate the idea that trying to exact revenge on me isn’t a good idea.”

“If the heiress decides she requires your blood, you will submit to that judgement, Seadweller.” Equius growled behind him.

“Okay, so I’ll have to shoot two people.” Eridan shrugged. “I’m trying to fix things, quit antagonizing me.”

“Quit murdering people.” Kanaya said flatly, setting Feferi down on the slab. “That might give us less cause to be angry with you.”

“It was  _ once _ .” Eridan growled, watching Feferi’s body start to glow. “Everything else was back on Alternia, and none of you gave a shit about it then, so why care about it now? Now shut up, I think she’s about to... there we go.”

The glow faded, and Feferi was now garbed in clothes worthy of a fully-realized Witch of Life; more importantly, she was breathing, and starting to wake up.

“Welcome back to the land of the living.” Kanaya said calmly, as Feferi opened her eyes. Her gaze went around the room, before settling on Eridan. In the blink of an eye, she was standing, with a fist full of trident, eyes full of murder, and blood full of adrenaline.

“Figures...” Eridan muttered, taking a few quick hops back and away from Feferi and Equius. “Guess you want to do this the hard way, Fef.” A weird gun appeared in his hands; Ahab’s Crosshairs was not an indoor weapon, and Nepeta had stolen it, anyhow. For now, he’d have to settle for The Electrodriver.

“Put the gun down, Eridan.” Feferi ordered, leveling her trident at him.

“Don’t think I will.” he said primly. “I rather like the security it affords me. If you were to put down the trident, I’d consider it.”

“Put the gun  _ down _ , Eridan!” Feferi yelled.

Eridan shrugged, and squeezed the trigger, a bolt of lightning lancing from the Electrodriver’s tip into her kneecap, ruining her leg from that point down. Without looking, he pointed the Electrodriver at Equius, who was already in motion, and kneecapped him similarly. He then picked off Equius’ shoulders, grateful the Electrodriver merely caused massive nerve damage. That wasn’t as immediately lethal as, say, blood loss from ripping off someone’s arms.

“So, you might be speculating on my motives.” Eridan began, calmly, as though he hadn’t just paralyzed two people in half as many seconds. “It’s simple. The Slabs definitely work. Not that any of you trust me, even though I have rather conclusive evidence. So I’m making an executive decision; all of you are going to go God Tier whether you like it or not, goddamnit, and then,  _ THEN _ , you’ll all see I was right all along!“ He chuckled, his calm dissolving as he shook. “See? I  _ have _ to kill everyone! It’s the only way to prove I’m not crazy!” The back of Feferi’s head exploded like a water balloon as a shuriken tore through it, painting the wall and Kanaya’s left arm a sickly shade of greyish fuchsia. “I really am sorry about this, Kanaya. But I can’t go gently into that good night, not yet, not when we have something to try and nothing to lose.”

“Take the shot.” she said calmly, meeting Eridan’s gaze with pure rage in her eyes. The rage disappeared along with half of her head as another shuriken tore through her brainpan, scattering personality and childhood memories like ash in the wind.

“Death will not come for you yet, Zahhak.” Eridan muttered, starting to shake again, more fiercely than before. “You and I are going to be the last to die.” He put away the Electrodriver, and picked Equius up carefully. “Need you alive to the very end, eh?” Equius groaned in pain, and Eridan sighed. Pointless cruelty may be cathartic, but Equius hadn’t ever done anything to Eridan, and being cruel to him felt... wrong. “Do you want painkillers or something?” Equius carefully nodded, and got a damp rag to the face almost immediately. Ether was a painkiller, and it had the side-effect of keeping Equius down and out for quite a while.

Eridan put Kanaya’s corpse into his sylladex, and hefted Equius into a fireman’s carry. Couldn’t shove him in the sylladex, without ending the aura’s effects, and at that point, Eridan may as well just kill Equius and put him out of his misery. And that, unfortunately, could not come anytime soon.

\---

caligulasAquarium[CA] started trolling carcinoGeneticist[CG]!   
CA: i just killed fef an kan. youre next.   
CG: WHAT THE FUCK.   
CA: just a professional courtesy. nothin you say can dissuade me from brutally endin your life, im just lettin you knoww its comin.   
CA: noww if you pass a message along to vvris, you can make this process easier on evveryone.   
CG: I’VE SEEN MORE APPEALING OFFERS BURIED IN A GIANT LUMP OF SHIT MY LUSUS DRAGGED HOME.   
CA: not like you stand to lose anythin by lettin evveryone knoww wwhats goin on.   
CA: mobilize the troops, strength in numbers.   
CA: makes my job a lot easier if youre all in one room.   
CG: YEAH, THEN YOU DIE A PAINFUL DEATH.   
CA: you dipshits only knoww howw to fight together wwhen you havve a target the size of a skyscraper to aim at. one guy wwho has a gun an knowws howw to fight in envvironments like this? yeah, youre gonna be trippin ovver each other.   
CG: I KNOW HOW GOOD OF A FIGHTER YOU ARE. YOU’RE NOT THAT GOOD. SO SHUT UP AND JUST PUT THE DAMN GUN DOWN, AND MAYBE WE CAN SORT THIS ALL OUT.   
CA: alea iacta est. no goin back noww.   
CA: i mean i did just kill two people.   
CA: noww, if i find you assholes an youre not ready for a fight, im gonna make you regret it.   
CA: wweapons hot, eyes peeled, an maybe youll die knowwin you temporarily inconvvenienced me.   
CG: YOU’RE GOING TO DIE HORRIBLY, I HOPE YOU REALIZE.   
caligulasAquarium[CA] blocked carcinoGeneticist[CG]!

\---

caligulasAquarium[CA] started trolling arachnidsGrip[AG]!   
CA: almost forgot i found a wway around the block.   
CA: get your dice ready, spiderbitch. youre about to need em.   
AG: How did you... nevermind. What the hell are you talking about?   
caligulasAquarium[CA] sent file kanayas_corpse.jpg!   
AG: ...You 8re g8ing t8 d8e a p8inful de8th.   
CA: yeah.   
caligulasAquarium[CA] blocked arachnidsGrip[AG]!


	8. Intermission 1

Your pen name is Carter Anderson, but your real name is Starbuck. Wasn’t always Starbuck, but it’s been Starbuck longer than it hasn’t been, and you don’t see much point in changing that now. Well, maybe now would be a good time; you’re not running out the clock, not anymore. It’s almost time to shine, for you and your buddy, Snowball.  
  
Snowball is right there next to you, like always. The two of you are never more than ten yards away, and hasn’t that been a big load of grist for the rumor mill. No, you and Snowball are not lovers. You’re more like brothers: the two of you are stuck with each other, despite not having much in common. Still, 612 sweeps has been plenty of time for the two of you to grow comfortable with each other’s constant presence.  
  
The two of you run a bookstore called Seabiscuit. It was the first bookstore on this dirt ball planet, and it’s still the best one, if mostly because you and Snowball actually know how to do business. The two of you have a lot of underlings who do all the actual day to day stuff- you mostly write a tenth of the books that get sold here(you’re very prolific and very bored), and Snowball writes a few here and there, mostly collections of his poetry. After 612 sweeps, it’s actually gotten pretty good, although the manuscripts you send off to the printer are still always a little damp. Some things just don’t change.  
  
You and Snowball are special on this dirtball; most of the people on it were born on it. Not you two; you two were here since the beginning, and played a part in building this shithole in the first place. You’re both what are called Exiles; people who came to this planet before there was anything interesting here. And both of you feel like, given the circumstances, you’ve done pretty well for yourselves.  
  
Which is why, on this fateful day, you passed a note to Stubbs, the junior manager, and tell him that you’re sorry before walking away. You and Snowball have places to go, people to see, and lives to end.  
  


\---

  
612 sweeps is a long time. For Snowball, at any rate. He’s old, but he’s kept in shape this whole time. His pride demanded it, you suppose. Never bothered asking him, despite constant proximity for half a millennium and some change.  
  
“It’s all gonna pay off soon, Snowball.” you said to your eternal companion. “Don’t you worry.”  
  
“I do not get worried.” Snowball grunted, walking alongside you, down the street towards your destination. “I get results.”  
  
“You had the better part of a millennium to think up a good line.” you sighed. “Well, I suppose it’s not bad, just... disappointing. I expected a declaration of... well, of something. Perhaps of intent? Intent to fuck shit up?”  
  
“That would be your job.” Snowball told you flatly. “Mine is to get you there in one piece in order to, ahem, ‘fuck shit up’.”  
  
“That it is.” you nodded. “I’m glad we’re clear on this. Now, if only we could be clear on how amazing Heelys are, and how you should be ashamed of yourself for not owning a pair.”  
  
“You are disgusting and everyone agrees that you are a waste of flesh for owning them.” Snowball rolled his eyes, as you began coasting on your wheeled heels. “You are an embarrassment to everyone and everything, and it is times like this that make me regret my entire life.”  
  
“Even the six or so sweeps before we came here?” you chuckled. “You seemed like you were enjoying yourself, although I definitely was not.”  
  
“Those were good days.” Snowball sighed. “Perhaps not for you, as you said, but there are things from then that I still miss, even now.”  
  
“I know.” You decided to share in his nostalgic melancholy, if only for a moment; you two had places to be, after all. “But hey, at the end of all this, you get to see them again.”  
  
“Really, now?” Snowball turned to look at you.  
  
“Mhm.” You nodded. “I give my word. And as an author, my word is worth something.”  
  
“Two dollars per ten thousand.” Snowball snorted, recalling your vast bibliography of dime novels. “I still have no idea how, after six hundred sweeps, you still manage to write a dozen of them every sweep without repeating yourself.”  
  
“The secret is that most of what I write is shit.” you said, sagely. “For the past five hundred sweeps, I’ve been writing with the aid of a formula and a computer program to handle randomization. Before the computer, I used a dart board and a dictionary.”  
  
“And yet they sold like hotcakes.”  
  
“Course they did.” you snorted. “Not like there was anything else to do, eh? These days it’s sorta tradition for people to read Starbuck’s Dime Collection. I end up reprinting them all the time. They’re shit, but that’s by my standards. By most people’s standards, they’re good enough to entertain, although maybe not good enough to provoke thought.”  
  
“So, forgettable.” Snowball said blithely.  
  
“For the most part.” you confirm. “If thought provocation is what they want, they can read your stuff, or the occasional doorstopper I put out.”  
  
“Once every fifty sweeps is ‘occasional’ to you, is it?” Snowball rolled his eyes under his sunglasses.  
  
“Admittedly, it’ll happen fifty five times in my whole life, or thereabouts.” You punctuated this with a shrug and a little spin on your Heelys. “So far, it’s been twelve times.”  
  
“It will only be twenty four for me.” Snowball sighed. “Now, where are we going?”  
  
“To the manor of... The Felt!” you declared, a finger pointing up to the heavens. “Then we’re going to sit in a corner and hide.”  
  
“Our usual modus operandi, then.”  
  


\---

  
“Moment of truth, Snowball...” you muttered, standing up and pulling Snowball up with you. “Through that door, is Doc Scratch, who’s about to beat the shit out of Spade Slick. Our job is to interrupt Scratch and beat him senseless.”  
  
“I’ll get the door on your mark.” Snowball nodded, taking up position by the door.  
  
“Three. Two. One.” You tensed yourself. “Mark!” Snowball knocked the door in, off its hinges, and you vaulted over him, blindsiding Doc Scratch and tackling him to the ground. Almost immediately, you started punching Scratch, cracking and denting his cue ball of a head, your hands glowing a bright white as you channelled destructive magics into them. “Grab the gun!” you yelled over the sound of Doc Scratch getting his ass kicked.  
  
Snowball casually sauntered over to a coat rack, and grabbed a white revolver, along with the holster and accompanying belt. He tossed it over to you, and you caught it with one hand, still pummelling Scratch with the other. You stood up after a second, starting to kick Scratch with glowing feet, while your hands belted the pistol at your hip.  
  
“Enjoying yourself?” a voice behind you asked. You knew that voice; the Handmaid was not easy to mistake for someone else. Even if you were, for maybe a month and a half, vaguely familiar with her descendant... or ancestor... whatever. “Save some of the bastard for me.”  
  
There had been an agreement, between you two and the Handmaid. She got to kill Doc Scratch, and in exchange, she’d send you to the same universe as his new servant, which he’d acquired maybe a month or two ago. The two of you hadn’t done anything about it at the time because you had objectives you had to satisfy here and now: killing Scratch and stealing his gun.  
  
“As you wish.” You stepped back from Scratch as you said this. “Missed you on the way in.”  
  
“You know me.” the Handmaid shrugged, pulling her wands out of her hair. That always struck you as an interesting flavor of idiocy, but you didn’t say anything, half because you were sweet on her, and half because she’d probably break your nose if you annoyed her.  
  
Let it never be said that you had poor taste in women.  
  
“Hmph.” the Handmaid spat on Scratch’s smoking body, having roasted it while you weren’t looking. “Good riddance. So, you gonna give the big guy some hell?”  
  
“Quite a lot.” you nodded, pulling out a normal revolver and turning to face Spade Slick. “Slick. Take this gun and kill Snowman. If you don’t, my good friend here is going to break your everything.” You gestured at the Handmaid as you said this, earning an eyeroll from her.  
  
Slick scowled, but took the gun from you anyway, and left the room.  
  
“Well, I suppose this is it.” you muttered, looking over at Snowball and the Handmaid. “Everyone ready?”  
  
“Almost.” Snowball replied, grabbing a bowl of licorice from the table. “Now I am.”  
  
“Great.” Handmaid grunted, her wands starting to glow once more. “Go bother someone else, now.”  
  
“As you insist.” You smirked as you and Snowball disappeared from that reality. You had places to be, after all.


	9. The Start Of Something Beautiful

Vriska Serket was pissed. Her ex-moirail(that had been unpleasant) had just met her end at the hands of her ex-kismesis, probably in another stupid attempt to get back in her caliginous quadrant. Usually his attempts were pathetic, but this one leaned too far in the opposite direction, what with the fact that Eridan had just killed Kanaya and sent a picture of her corpse as... some sort of taunt? Proof he’d done it?  
  
Whatever it was, he’d killed Kanaya, and he was going to pay. As soon as she found him, which shouldn’t be too long. If she left something to chance, luck would take over and she’d get what she wanted.  
  
In theory. So far, she hadn’t found him, although, without her knowing, he had certainly found her.  
  
“Think fast!” he yelled behind her right before everything went dark. When she woke up again, it was with all of her stuff stolen, and a note on the floor that read: “you didnt think fast enough”  
  
\---  
  
caligulasAquarium[CA] started trolling tentacleTherapist[TT]!  
CA: so howw are the neww wwands wworkin out for ya?  
TT: They’re quite serviceable, I must say. How are things on your end?  
CA: ivve got confirmation that the sacrificial slabs wwork, although it turns out evveryone is rather resistant to the idea of bein murdered by a seadwweller as part of his madcap scheme to fight the nigh-indestructable demon he helped create because destiny said so.  
TT: Imagine that.  
CA: i knoww its a complete shock to me as wwell  
CA: noww im afraid im gonna be busy wwith things on my end for a wwhile, an the next ill see you is right before the end. youll havve to content yourself wwith a friend of mine  
TT: I’ll see you on the other side, I suppose.  
CA: one last piece of advvice on this end?  
CA: im sorry.  
TT: That’s hardly advice.  
CA: i suppose it isnt.  
caligulasAquarium[CA] stopped trolling tentacleTherapist[TT]!  
  
\---  
  
cuttlefishCuller[CC] started trolling ectoBiologist[EB]!  
CC: Ug)(. So, going god tier? Not wort)( it.  
EB: once again, i have no fucking clue what you’re talking about.  
CC: It’s a way to get immortality and a lot of power. But, you )(ave to die first.  
CC: So, you know, not wort)( it.  
EB: from my perspective, sure.  
EB: of course, its less worth it because you’re back, but whatever.  
EB: the thought of you in intense pain is enough to keep me warm.  
CC: Well, I got cyanide poisoning, and I just woke up from my brain painting a wall, so t)(ere really wasn’t t)(at muc)( pain... Woke up wit)( a bad )(eadac)(e, t)(oug)(.  
EB: okay that’s kinda hardcore.  
CC: I’m glad you’re sympat)(etic to my plig)(t.  
EB: who killed you? i wanna shake their hand.  
CC: -Eridan. And )(e killed Kanaya, too. Plus )(e paralyzed Equius... )(e’s snapped and started killing everyone.  
EB: oh. really?  
CC: )(is exact words were “I )(ave to kill everyone, it’s t)(e only way to prove I’m not crazy.”  
EB: well, i mean. that’s, uh.  
EB: that’s pretty damning, i’ll admit.  
CC: So if )(e )(as any OT)(-ER offers or instructions for you? DON’T LIST-EN.  
EB: got it. wait, did the code do something?  
CC: It was a poisoned bottle of soda.  
EB: oh cool, i was tangentially involved in inconveniencing you!  
CC: Kiss my ass.  
EB: i’d rather not.  
EB: so what actual advice do you have for me, aside from “boots is a treacherous murderer”?  
CC: Your quest bed s)(oald be around )(ere somew)(ere... You figured out )(ow to do t)(e windy t)(ing, rig)(t?  
EB: well, now i’ve got to come up with a better name for it, but yeah.  
EB: what’s a quest bed do?  
CC: If your corpse gets put on it, you go god tier. If you die on top of it, you also go god tier.  
EB: ...ah.  
EB: you understand why i’m hesitant about this, right?  
CC: Yea)(, but it’s going to )(appen no matter w)(at. Mig)(t as well make it )(appen on your terms.  
EB: funny thing...  
EB: i really don’t trust you! at all!  
EB: so go suck a dick!  
ectoBiologist[EB] blocked cuttlefishCuller[CC]!  
  
\---  
  
“Please don’t be perma-dead, please don’t be perma-dead, please don’t be perma-dead...” Eridan frantically muttered, watching Kanaya’s body as it lay there, motionless, on a black stone slab with a white spiral galaxy emblazoned in the center. “You’re one of my only friends, you can’t be perma-dead...” Her body started to glow, and he sighed in relief.  
  
Her head became whole once more, the ugly hole in her forehead sealing up once more. The glow faded, but did not disappear entirely. Her clothing reshaped into the robes of a Sylph of Space, and her eyes began to twitch.  
  
Eridan hugged her tightly, and her eyes snapped open instantly, searching frantically before she figured out just what was happening.  
  
“Oh thank god you’re alive...” he quietly muttered. “I am so, so sorry...”  
  
“Eridan, let go of me.” Kanaya ground out. To his credit, he immediately complied, backing away from her. “What the hell were you thinking?”  
  
“Mostly, ‘I really hope this works because if it doesn’t I’m gonna have enough egg on my face that I’ll be an omelette when I get to hell.’” Eridan shrugged. “That, and ‘this would’ve been so much simpler if Sollux had drank the fucking soda’. Figured that nerd would be all over that shit.”  
  
“Speaking of soda, I find myself oddly thirsty.” Kanaya rubbed at her throat, frowning. “Is any of your stock not poisoned?”  
  
“Yeah, yeah, I got something potable.” Eridan nodded, deploying an ice chest full of bottles of faygo on the floor. “Find a flavor you like. I, uh... I’m probably gonna stick around here for a few minutes. Rest my legs. Equius is fucking heavy, by the way.”  
  
“Poor you.” Kanaya rolled her eyes, carefully sitting up and popping the lid on the chest. She grabbed a bottle of blueberry faygo, cracked the lid, and drank the whole thing in about fifteen seconds flat. “Ugh. Didn’t help.” She discarded the bottle, and got to her feet.  
  
“Maybe you just have a sore throat?” Eridan guessed, looking down and carefully considering the problem. Kanaya, for her part, grabbed his scarf, pulling it off roughly. “Kan, what th-”  
  
“You killed me. Be glad my restitution is only some of your blood.” Kanaya growled, before sinking her teeth into his now-exposed neck. He winced, but otherwise took it like a champ. If there was a good way to handle an old friend drinking your blood like soda after you killed and resurrected her, Eridan found it.  
  
\---  
  
grimAuxiliatrix[GA] started trolling tentacleTherapist[TT]!  
GA: While Eridan Sleeps Off His Sudden Exsanguination I Have Been Appointed As Your Guide  
TT: Well, I suppose that’s a good reason for not guiding me through the game.  
TT: Should I ask after what caused his blood loss, or should I restrain my curiosity?  
GA: In My Defense He Killed Me And I Was Also Hungry  
TT: Ah, so the usual inexplicable horsefuckery I have no context for. Glad I asked.  
GA: It Is A Rather Complex Situation I Will Admit  
GA: One That Has Not Been Properly Explained To You  
GA: For One Neither He Nor I Are Human  
TT: Well, that’s not too much of a surprise, although I’ll admit it wasn’t the possibility I promoted to the forefront. What are you, if you are not human?  
GA: Imagine A Human With Grey Skin And Horns  
TT: So, demons?  
GA: We Call Ourselves Trolls  
TT: ...Of course.  
TT: Excuse me for a moment, I feel like an idiot.  
GA: The Induction Of That Sensation Was Not My Intent  
TT: Yes, yes. So, tell me, how common is it for trolls to consume each other’s blood?  
GA: The Blood Of Culled Grubs Is Often Used In Food If Not Paint  
GA: But Past Pupation It Is Rather Uncommon  
GA: I Am Not A Normal Troll However  
TT: Allow me to posit a guess:  
TT: You’re a vampire.  
GA: I Do Not Know What That Is  
GA: I Am What Is Called A Rainbow Drinker  
TT: ...I think I might have connected the dots incorrectly, because it leads to the conclusion that trolls bleed rainbows.  
GA: Only One Color Per Troll But Yes We Do Have A Multitude Of Blood Colors  
GA: I Have Been Made Aware Of Your Races Lack Of A Hemospectrum  
TT: So, what color is your blood?  
GA: Jade Green  
GA: My Caste Is Rare And Limited In Number  
GA: Our Station Is Tending To The Mother Grubs In The Brooding Caverns  
TT: Alright, well, you’re opening more questions with every answer, so I think we should restrict ourselves to the subject at hand, namely, the game.  
GA: Right  
GA: I Must Profess Ignorance To Your Quest But I Can Provide General Advice About The Game As A Whole  
TT: Please do. Ramble to your heart’s content; I don’t like the way that ogre is looking at me.  
GA: So It Has Been Explained To You That The Game Is The Universes Method Of Reproduction  
GA: The Specifics Are Thus  
GA: The Space Player And The Knight Must Work Together To Breed The Genesis Frog On The Space Players Planet  
GA: At The Same Time There Is A War Occurring On Skaia Between The White King And The Black King  
GA: The Black King Is Fated To Win And When He Does The Reckoning Begins  
GA: Meteors From The Veil Hurtle Toward Skaia And The Heroes Have Twenty Four Hours To Kill The Black King And Stop The Reckoning  
GA: Once Skaia Is Safe The Genesis Frog Is Brought To Skaia And The Game Is Won  
GA: Any Questions  
TT: First, why do creatures that leave no corpse still bleed and leave persistent blood? This is annoying. I liked this scarf.  
GA: I Do Not Know  
TT: Also, could you pass this knowledge along to the people it’ll more directly benefit? I’m currently trying to pry anything and everything useful from this game, since it’s unwinnable.  
GA: Unfortunately It Is  
GA: However There Is Still Hope  
GA: Due To A Glitch In Our Creation Of The Genesis Frog There Is A Bomb In The Center Of Your Skaia  
GA: This Bomb Will Detonate With The Death Of Your Universe And Ours  
GA: It Will Create The Green Sun In The Process But It Will Also Kill Anyone Who Is Around When It Goes Off  
TT: So we have to remotely detonate it?  
GA: That Is Apparently Impossible According To The Blackbox  
GA: You And The Dave Human Will Accompany It With One Of The Games Best Safety Nets  
TT: Go on.  
GA: There Are Two Artifacts Per Player That Can Resurrect Them And Grant Them Conditional Immortality Along With Increased Power Plus Some Physical Metamorphosis Based On Subconscious Desires And Preconceptions  
GA: I Have Become A Rainbow Drinker And Also Grown A Pair Of Lovely Gossamer Wings  
TT: Mm. So I assume I’m going to die and be reborn as well?  
GA: Most Likely  
GA: Our Access To Your Timeline Ends Before That Comes To Pass But It Is The Logical Conclusion Of That Action  
TT: Well, I’m just filled with enthusiasm to be doing... not that.  
GA: Think On The Bright Side  
GA: You Become A God As A Direct Result  
TT: That’s... probably worth it, actually. Are you certain it will work, though?  
GA: Having Just Gone Through It Myself I Can Attest That It Very Much Does  
GA: The Plan Will Work But I Doubt Anyone Will Be Overmuch Happy About It  
TT: People are generally upset by the prospect of violent death.  
TT: Unless you ended that plan with your snack.  
GA: He Will Be Fine In A Few Minutes  
GA: The Game Affords Many Of Us A Healing Factor  
TT: Well, isn’t that convenient.  
GA: Very Much So  
GA: It Is A Game After All  
TT: Fair enough. So, where do I factor into all this?  
GA: The Blackbox Dictates That You Alchemize The Following Code And Begin Keeping An Accurate Record  
GA: BLACKBOX  
TT: Really. Let me guess, it’s going to produce an inscrutable machine whose internal workings I can never understand.  
GA: If That Is What You Call A Personal Computer Then Yes  
TT: Oh.  
TT: Why this one specifically?  
GA: It Will Become The Blackbox I Am Currently Using  
GA: It Is Sufficiently Shielded To Protect Its Contents From Prying Eyes  
GA: This Is Important For Reasons Not Adequately Explained In The Section I Am Currently Reading  
TT: I’ll be sure to keep that in mind.  
TT: Farewell... whoever you are.  
tentacleTherapist[TT] stopped pestering grimAuxiliatrix[GA]!


	10. Us And Them

“Uh, do we, uh, have a plan?” Tavros asked nervously, looking around the Common Room. Everyone was watching the portal pad, weapons drawn and ready in case Eridan came through. Sollux, Vriska, and Feferi had returned, although Gamzee, Aradia, Equius, and Kanaya were all missing.

“We’re gonna kill that bastard, that’s the plan.” Sollux growled, red and blue lightning crackling all around him.

“We will put him on trial, and once we find him guilty of murder, he’s going to dance the sisal two-step.” Terezi corrected Sollux.

“This way we can humiliate him even more.” Vriska added.

“Sisal two-step?” Nepeta frowned, her claws lowering in confusion.

“The hemp fandango, the gallows jig.” Terezi rattled off. “We’re gonna hang him by the neck until dead. Because that’s what you get when you kill three people, even if two of them are up and walking afterwards.”

“What about the third?” Tavros asked.

“Kanaya. She’s probably still dead, since she’s a Prospit dreamer.” Vriska sighed. “Fishdick is probably doing unspeakable things to her corpse right now, as we speak.”

\---AT LITERALLY THE EXACT SAME TIME---

Eridan lay on the floor face-down, his scarf wrapped around Kanaya’s neck, and a bit of gauze taped over the bite marks on his neck. He groaned loudly, prompting a gentle pat on the back of the head from Kanaya.

\---BACK TO THE ACTION---

“I wouldn’t put it past him...” Feferi scowled. “He’s just gotten worse ever since... well, you all know what happened.”

“Shoulda killed him when I had the chance...” Sollux growled again, watching the portal pad. “Would’ve made this all a lot simpler, lot cleaner.”

A loud honking noise stole everyone’s attention, and all eyes turned toward one of the vents. The honk repeated, a bit louder, and all the computers lit up with a notification.

“It’s Gamzee.” Karkat announced, checking his. “He started a memo...”

\---

terminallyCapricious[TC] started a temporally-locked memo!  
TC: wElL gUeSs WhAt MoThErFuCkErS  
TC: I aLl Up AnD fOuNd ThE fIsHbRo AnD gRuBsIs  
TC:ThEyRe HaViNg A wIcKeD fEeLiNgS jAm  
TC: AnD tHeYrE bOtH rEaLlY pAlE  
carcinoGeneticist[CG] started responding to the memo!  
CG: WAIT, HOLD THE FUCK ON.  
twinArmageddons[TA] started responding to the memo!  
TA: back that a22 up  
CG: WAIT WHAT.  
TA: iit2 a human phra2e apparently  
CG: NEVER FUCKING MIND THAT. GO BACK TO THE PART WHERE YOU WERE GOING TO TELL US WHERE ERIDAN AND KANAYA ARE, SO WE COULD HANDLE THAT SITUATION.  
CG: EVEN IF THEY’RE APPARENTLY A MOIRALLEGIANCE MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN.  
TC: nO i MeAnT tHeIr SkIn  
TC: KaNsIs Is LiTeRaLlY gLoWiNg  
TC: ErIbRo JuSt LoOkS lIkE hE lOsT a LoT oF bLoOd  
CG: AGAIN, DON’T CARE.  
gallowsCalibrator[GC] started responding to the memo!  
GC: JUST B3C4US3 H3 FOUND 4 MO1R41L DO3S NOT 3XON3R4T3 H1M  
GC: H3 ST1LL N33DS TO D4NC3 TH3 F1B3R FOXTROT  
CG: THOSE NAMES ALL STINK LIKE SHIT, PROBABLY BECAUSE YOU KEEP PULLING THEM OUT OF YOUR WASTE CHUTE LIKE YOU’RE TRYING TO CLEAR AN OBSTRUCTION.  
TA: okay ii diid not need that mental iimage.  
CG: YEAH WELL TOO BAD.  
CG: NOW TELL US WHERE ERIDAN AND KANAYA ARE, GAMZEE.  
CG: ...GAMZEE?  
TC: He Is Currently Indisposed  
TC: I Was Unable To Talk Eridan Down But I Have Been Made Aware Of His Plan And His True Intent  
GC: 1NT3NT 1S N1C3 4ND 4LL BUT H3 D1D K1LL YOU  
TC: And For That I Have Taken Some Of His Blood  
TC: At Any Rate He Is Trying To Send Everyone To The God Tiers  
TC: Supposedly So We Stand A Chance Against Jack  
CG: OH MY FUCKING GOD OF COURSE HE WANTS TO FIGHT THAT BASTARD. WHY THE HELL WOULD ERIDAN BE SANE AND CAUTIOUS? WHY WOULD I EXPECT HIM TO BE THAT? PROBABLY BECAUSE I FELL OUT OF THE STUPID TREE, TRYING TO PICK IDIOTBERRIES FOR A MORON CASSEROLE.  
CG: GO BACK TO TRYING TO TALK HIM DOWN.  
TC: It Is A Solid Plan  
TC: After All He Did Have Help Coming Up With It  
TA: from who?  
TC: The Rose Human  
TC: She Was The One Who Wrote The Walkthrough We Used  
CG: AND SO NATURALLY YOU AND ERIDAN ARE GOING ALONG WITH EVERYTHING SHE SAYS. BECAUSE YOU TWO ARE FUCKING RETARDED.  
caligulasAquarium[CA] started responding to the memo!  
CA: eq is currently on a lot a drugs so im sayin this in his place  
CA: wwatch the fuckin language  
CA: also im in storage room 3A if any a you assholes wwanna come take a shot at me  
GC: W3LL TH4TS OBV1OUSLY 4 TR4P 1F 1V3 3V3R H34RD ON3  
CA: oh wwell obvviously  
CA: but i am here  
CA: so come an get me, fuckers  
TA: get ready, fii2hdiick  
CA: been ready since i drugged gam an tossed him on my shoulder wwith eq  
CA: turns out, carryin twwo guys around on your shoulders? not easy.  
TA: 2hut up  
CA: dont think i wwill.  
CA: by the wway vvris, i did in fact steal evverythin in your pockets  
CG: Eridan you son of a 8itch I’m going to shove my foot so far up your ass I’ll wear your appendix as a sock!  
CG: SOLLUX, BITCHSLAP VRISKA FOR ME.  
GC: 1 GOT 1T.  
CA: you knoww, i dont evven havve to do anythin. you idiots are gonna kill yourselvves at this rate.  
CA: but fuck the idea of runnin out the clock. theres shit to be done an im the guy to do it.  
CA: tick tock motherfuckers  
terminallyCapricious[TC] closed the memo!

\---

“Alright, take Gamzee with you on the way out.” Eridan grunted, pushing himself up into a sitting position. “I’ll... handle this nonsense.”

“There was a better way.” Kanaya sighed, scooping the unconscious Gamzee into her arms. He’d taken another ether-soaked rag to the face, and while Kanaya was somewhat curious as to why Eridan had any of those to begin with, she felt perhaps she was better off not knowing. “Had you considered diplomacy? Or at least... not purposefully antagonizing everyone?”

“It’s about respect.” Eridan muttered, climbing to his feet. He cleared his throat, and continued. “See, to pretty much everyone, I’m just a joke. A punchline. Well, fuck that noise. I’m gonna kick everyone’s ass, put the fear of God in them all. I killed all the angels, after all. I’m a nigh-immortal killing machine, and if I have to live with that, so does everyone else.”

There was a long pause, before Kanaya shifted Gamzee into a one-handed grip so she could smack Eridan across the face.

“You are so full of shit.” Kanaya shook her head. “This is your problem, you are always so intensely melodramatic.”

“Oh well excuse me for being melodramatic in the face of a life and death situation, Kan!” Eridan rolled his eyes. “Excuse me for not bottling up everything that counts as an emotion in my head! Fuck me for thinking you’d agree with the prospect of expressing emotions instead of keeping a tight lid on them, Miss ‘I’ve been bottling my feelings so long some of them are four sweep old vintages’.”

“As if you have any place to speak, Mister ‘I have no self control and I murdered people on a whim’. At least my unhealthy habits haven’t gotten anyone killed.” Kanaya set Gamzee down so she could fold her arms and glare disapprovingly.

“I was the Orphaner, I know what death entails, and by my reckoning, nobody’s actually died yet.” Eridan started to pace. “You’re up and walking, having this argument. You took a five minute dirt nap, but that ain’t death. Death is permanent. You can’t take it back. If you can, it’s not really death. And considering that my plan has been working so far, I don’t really see why it’s so bad.”

“You don’t consider the intense negative feedback to be a reason to re-evaluate your plan?” Kanaya began to pace as well, setting the two on a circular path.

“Meh, trolls bitch about everything, even things that are good for them.” Eridan waved dismissively. “I’m trying to give everyone immortality, here, and if I have to bust a few heads to get that done, then so fuckin’ be it.”

“It is astounding how many eggs one can break without making a good omelette.” Kanaya quipped.

“I’m... not sure how that’s relevant.” Eridan muttered. “Going god-tier requires you to die. I’m breaking exactly as many eggs as is necessary to make this omelette. I mean, okay, maybe I did break an extra egg when I shot Fef in the brain that one time, but that was necessary.”

“Only because you’re a destructive idiot who can’t solve problems without the use of violence.” Kanaya spat.

“Yeah. I am.” Eridan shrugged. “You got me there, violence is all I’m good at. Fucking hate that about myself, hate that I’m only good at hurting people, but oh well. That’s my role as dictated by fate, and someone’s gotta play it. Hate that it has to be me, but fuck it. We needed an Orphaner on Alternia, and we need a Godmaker here. Surely you of all people know what it’s like to be locked into an unpleasant role.”

“You are shackling yourself, Eridan.” Kanaya glared at him. “You picked this path, and now you are looking for someone to blame for your own actions. There is still a chance to change this.”

"Yeah, if I wanna doom the fuckin' timeline." Eridan rolled his eyes. "There's a point to everything I'm doing, and it'll all be clear soon enough. All I'm asking is that you have a little faith."

"...Fine." Kanaya sighed, slumping forward a little. "But do not expect any help from me. I will keep my hands clean of this."

"That's fine." Eridan nodded. "Might as well keep this all on my head. I'm damned already, no point spreading that around."


	11. King Of Swords, Reversed

“Come out come out wherever you are...” Terezi beckoned, casting furtive glances around the cluttered storage room. “We aren’t gonna hurt you... Just exact a little justice, that’s all.”  
  
“I don’t think he’s here.” Vriska frowned. “Can’t feel any sort of presence from him...”  
  
“I don’t smell him...” Nepeta added. “...We just fell for a really dumb trick.”  
  
“He’s had help with this...” Terezi muttered. “Eridan wouldn’t have come up with this on his own. He’s clever, but he’s not sneaky.”  
  
“Are you saying Kanaya’s in on this, too?” Karkat looked up from a box he was inspecting. “Because I don’t like that possibility.”  
  
“...No, this doesn’t have her touch. She’s just a stooge, here.” Terezi groaned. “Feels more like Vriska’s touch, but she’s...” Terezi trailed off, and everyone turned to face the cerulean troll. “...notoriously treacherous.”  
  
“What?” Vriska looked around at everyone. “Are you seriously thinking me and fishdick are in cahoots?”  
  
“You helped his plan along, when you stole the Slabs from Prospit.” Terezi adjusted her glasses, and scowling. “Do you expect us to believe you’re so gullible he managed to trick you into doing that?”  
  
“You’ve built doomsday devices at his behest before... Who’s to say you stopped?” Feferi added, levelling her trident at Vriska.  
  
“Oh come on! Nothing I built ever worked, and we all know that!” Vriska protested. “Besides, you all know my opinion of that bastard!”  
  
“We also know you’re a filthy liar.” Karkat pointed accusingly at Vriska. “And a serial killer. Hell, I bet this whole thing was your idea to begin with!”  
  
“It, uh, does seem like an idea you’d have, with, uh, hurting people to, uh, help them.” Tavros narrowed his eyes, sliding into a fighting stance and readying his lance. “And I, uh... I’m sick of it. I won’t let you do this again.”  
  
“That’s adorable, how you all came to the conclusion that all of this is my fault, but are you forgetting the part where he SHOT ME IN THE HEAD?!” Vriska yelled. “And then STOLE ALL MY STUFF?!”  
  
“Sounds like something you’d make him do to throw us off the trail.” Terezi drew her cane, separating it into a pair of swords. “After all, he’s working for you. You don’t need to worry about your stuff, if that’s the case. Which it is.” Terezi took a step forward. “So, Vriska. Any last words?”  
  
“Yeah.” Vriska scoffed. “See you in hell.” She snapped her fingers, and her influence overtook Nepeta, Tavros, and Karkat. Karkat slashed Terezi across the throat with one of his sickles, while Nepeta and Tavros charged Feferi, providing enough of a distraction for Vriska to run.  
  
\---  
  
Sollux had deigned to go looking for Eridan alone. Sollux had beaten Eridan in a fight before, and he didn’t see why that would’ve changed. Sollux had telekinesis and a cloud of multifaceted razors. Eridan had a gun. It wasn’t a fair fight.  
  
“Hey Sol,” Eridan’s voice called out behind the Mage. “how many pissbloods does it take to change a light bulb?”  
  
Sollux whipped around to face the voice, and flung a quarter of his throwing stars at the darkened silhouette, hitting with a resounding thunk.  
  
“Hey, I’m just askin’.” Eridan’s voice came again, still behind Sollux. Sollux turned around once more, and saw another dark silhouette. “And makin’ you doubt your own perceptions. Gaslighting is fun, isn’t it?”  
  
“Shut up.” Sollux growled, flinging a third of his remaining cloud at the silhouette and burying them deep in the walls and floor.  
  
“You know what’s going on, right?” Eridan’s voice was above Sollux, this time; Sollux spent half his remaining cloud to destroy the source. “Those speakers aren’t free, Sol.” This time, behind and to the right.  
  
“Shut UP!” Sollux roared.  
  
“Nah.” Eridan said simply. “I could just stab an slab you, but nooooo, you gotta put up a fight. Well, I could take you head-on, but honestly? You need to be taken down a few pegs. So I’m gaslighting you. Not just beating you, but breaking you. Speaking through telepresence, putting cardboard standees in the shadows. Speaking of shadows...” The lights in the hallway cut out, plunging Sollux into complete darkness. “Bet you wish you could see in infrared, don’t you?”  
  
“I’m a living flashlight, dipshit.” Sollux demonstrated, his eyes glowing brightly behind his glasses, shining red and blue light on the hallway before him. “They didn’t name me after sunlight for nothing.”  
  
“Well, it’s certainly not because you’re terribly bright.” Eridan taunted, before an arrow pierced Sollux’s eye and went through to his brain. “Thanks for the glowing target, dumbfuck.” Sollux dropped to his knees, screeching in pain, before Eridan put another arrow through the other eye. Say what you will about Sollux’s mutant brain; bifurcation is wonderful when you need a backup. Not so wonderful when the backup is kept in the same place as the original, and has a similarly glowing target, but oh well.  
  
\---  
  
Eridan tossed Sollux’s body onto the slab, and gently set Equius down. While Sollux glowed and the arrows faded away, Eridan pulled out a copper bucket and an awl. Four quickly poked holes prepared the bucket for what came next, and Sollux’s bleary motions gave Eridan the signal to start.  
  
The bucket was shoved harshly onto Sollux’s head, his horns widening the holes Eridan had poked, and inadverdantly securing it in place. For the final touch in the humiliation, Eridan pulled a club he’d stolen from Gamzee out of his sylladex, and slammed it down right where Sollux’s mouth should be. Another strike with the club formed a ledge under Sollux’s jaw, securing it further.  
  
“I know it looks like I’m kickin’ ya when you’re down, Sol.” Eridan said calmly, watching Sollux electrocute himself through the copper bucket(he’d picked copper for that reason; aluminum wouldn’t have worked as well). “But I ain’t kickin’ ya. I’m talking. I’m talkin’ to all those fuckers who think they can disrespect me. And what I’m sayin’ is that you do not disrespect Eridan Ampora without consequences. And if you wanna risk that, fine. You’re the one who’s gonna get your face worn like a shoe ornament, if you disrespect me.”  
  
Sollux groaned, and Eridan kicked him in the kidney.  
  
“Now I’m kickin’ ya.” Eridan smirked, kicking him again. “I’m kicking because you caused the fucking apocalypse. The same apocalypse I was working to prevent for so long. You ruined everything I’d ever worked for, you know? And everyone else loves you, somehow. Think you’re so fucking great. Well, Sol, you and I know the truth. We both know what kinda bastard you are. At least when I destroy, I do it with purpose. You’re just a fucking idiot. And I’m finally getting my pound of flesh.”  
  
Eridan dodged a clumsy strike from Sollux’s noodly arm, and stomped on his wrist hard enough to break bones. Sollux’s shout was muffled by the deformed bucket, and mostly reflected around the bucket’s interior. Eridan’s smirk widened, and he knelt down, pulling out a combat knife and hacking Sollux’s hand off.  
  
“Not quite a pound, but I’ll collect the rest later.” Eridan muttered, captchaloguing Sollux’s hand and ignoring the pained noises Sollux was making. “Good luck getting out of there, pissblood.”  
  
\---  
  
caligulasAquarium[CA] started trolling cuttlefishCuller[CC]!  
CA: i do believve this belongs to you:  
caligulasAquarium[CA] sent file lights_out_sollux.jpg!  
CC: Is t)(ere a point to t)(is posturing?  
CA: wwell, id like it if you came an collected your mage.  
CA: otherwwise, hes probably gonna be stuck there for a wwhile. wwhat with the missin hand, an the bucket stuck on his head.  
CC: T)(at’s reely creepy, just so you know.  
CA: wwoww, really? i had no fuckin clue.  
CA: an here i thought i wwas just bein vvicious by dismemberin him an jammin his psionics, simultaneously stickin his head in a hard-to-escape prison. oh an the time i kicked him in the kidney twice, an broke his wwrist.  
CA: the bucket wwas to givve the humiliation that extra sexual undertone to further break his spirit. gotta vvary it, yknoww? cant be a one-note tune.  
CA: so howw are things in 3A? figured out im not there yet?  
CC: We figured out more t)(an just t)(at. We know w)(o your co-conspirator is, and I’m after )(er rig)(t now.  
CA: really, noww. wwho might that be?  
CC: Don’t play coy. We all know Vriska )(elped you wit)( t)(is plan.  
  
\---  
  
Eridan leaned against the wall, tears streaming down his face as he laughed harder than he’d laughed before in his life. He started typing out a response, trying to keep the flow of conversation going.  
  
\---  
  
CA: ...shit.  
CA: wwell, no plan survvives first contact wwith the enemy, i suppose.  
CA: dont think this is gonna stop me, though. not evven gonna sloww me dowwn.  
CC: Karkat, Terezi, Tavros, and Nepeta are all dead now, because of t)(is.  
CC: Are you )(appy? Are you pleased wit)( yourself?  
CA: not gonna lie, im gigglin somethin fierce right noww  
CA: it aint because those four are dead, though. i gotta fix that.  
CC: If you get near t)(eir bodies, I’m going to gut you like a trout.  
CA: pft, evven wwith only one hand free, i can still kick your ass any day a the wweek. but fine, ill just dump their quest beds in a storage room, an you can be their savvior  
CA: except youre gonna knoww you did it wwith my help, an that you couldnt do it otherwwise, AND that i manipulated you into a position wwhere youd naturally further my owwn goals.  
CC: You’re a monster, you know t)(at, rig)(t?  
CA: yep. nevver get tired a hearin about the monster i am, the monster that YOU made. its not like i became the orphaner for fun, you knoww? i only did it because you wwanted me to.  
CA: it takes twwo to tango, after all.  
CC: Ug)(, you’re ALWAYS blaming your problems on ot)(er people! )(ow about you take responsibility for your own actions, )(m?  
CA: oh, im not sayin im not responsible for your dirt nap earlier. that wwas all on me. im just sayin, you played a huge role in shapin me into the person wwho does that sorta shit.  
CA: i wwas damned from the start, but you sure as shit didnt help that any.  
CA: dunno wwhat i evver saww in you, but it musta been a delusion.  
caligulasAquarium[CA] blocked cuttlefishCuller[CC]!  
  
\---  
  
gardenGnostic[GG] started pestering ectoBiologist[EB]!  
GG: john! dave just died!  
EB: well, shit. rose bit it, too... just found her body.  
EB: i’m starting to think this was all a horrible mistake...  
GG: this is terrible!  
EB: i know... jesus, this is a mess...  
EB: wish i had a shovel so i could bury her...  
GG: dont you have the windy thing?  
EB: well, yeah, but wind can’t move dirt... can it?  
GG: nows your chance to find out.  
EB: ...holy shit.  
EB: jade i think i overdid it.  
GG: what do you mean?  
EB: i mean i just drilled a hole down to the core of skaia, completely on accident.  
EB: ...what the hell is that thing down there? looks like some kinda... yin yang time bomb.  
GG: oh! that! thats the tumor! when it blows up, itll make the green sun!  
GG: grab that! now!  
GG: and also grab roses body, there might still be a chance!  
EB: the blood’s already cold, jade. rose is pretty conclusively dead.  
GG: you just put a hole in the world with a tornado you pulled out of your ass.  
EB: ...point.  
EB: still, i dont think we can resurrect her.  
GG: shell take care of that. in fact... i think this was supposed to happen, so her and dave would wake up on derse.  
EB: so the dreamselves are like backups?  
GG: kinda? sort of. its hard to explain, but basically yeah.  
GG: ive got the genesis frog taken care of. you go take the tumor to rose, and get the needlekind specibus from her!  
EB: did you hatch a grand plan while i wasn’t looking again?  
GG: maaaaybe! ;P  
EB: well, try to not die while i do my part.  
GG: no promises...  
EB: jade.  
EB: if you die, i’m going to kill you.  
GG: pft. fight me, loser.  
EB: maybe i will!  
EB: oh! did i mention the thing with the ectobiology lab?  
GG: the what?  
EB: yeah i think i kinda created all four of us and our parents from the aether. i’m not real clear on what happened, but i can say that you and i are biologically siblings? same with dave and rose.  
GG: ...well, you go do your job while i burn some drawings.  
EB: jade! ew!  
GG: look, its a thing i picked up from nepeta, alright?  
EB: why is everyone picking up something from their troll? all i get is mad.  
GG: its luck of the draw, i guess.  
EB: yeah, but will that stop me from bitching?  
EB: no.  
EB: no it will not.  
GG: bitch all you want, but get going, mr windsock.  
EB: yeah, yeah, i’m going. you go burn your smut.  
GG: its not smut! everyone is wearing all their clothes!  
EB: what? laaame.  
GG: it would be really creepy otherwise!  
EB: it’s already creepy, jade. might as well go all in. anyway, i guess i should actually go. we don’t have much time, do we?  
GG: nope. tick tock, boy.  
gardenGnostic[GG] stopped pestering ectoBiologist[EB]!


	12. Ten Of Swords

"So this is where it ends." Dave muttered, floating into the center of Derse.  
  
"Not quite." Rose shook her head, following after her. "John will be here soon, though he won't be here long. Once he's gone, we'll be leaving the Medium, through the Furthest Ring and into the Outer Void."  
  
"Oh, great.” Dave groaned. “More hoops to jump through. Hate that this is my life...”  
  
“Only for another half hour or so, and most of that is going to be sitting around, waiting.” Rose shrugged, floating past Dave and taking up residence on her Sacrificial Slab. She pulled out a black laptop, and started typing rapidly. “Take a seat, Dave. We’ll be here for the rest of our lives.”  
  
“Yes, because I totally wanted to die.” Dave flopped face-first onto his own Sacrificial Slab. “This whole time and fate business can suck my dick.”  
  
“I didn’t know you’d tried that. I suppose you’re enough of a narcissist for it...” Rose snickered, still typing.  
  
“Oh go fuck yourself, you know what I meant.” Dave rolled onto his back. “I just want to go back to when predestiny wasn’t a thing. Except I can’t, because it always was, and always will be.”  
  
“Time makes fools of us, and Fate makes slaves.” Rose mused, before gnawing on her lip. “Rebellion is still possible, though.”  
  
“But how much of it is actual rebellion?” Dave gazed into the abyssal darkness around him. “I mean... all of this? It already happened. It’s a time loop. Everything that happens has already happened, we can’t _change_ it, we just do things differently from how they were written down or told to us. We still dance to Fate’s beat, it’s just that some dipshit oracle was wrong.”  
  
“Considering that I _am_ the dipshit oracle, I take offense to that.” Rose snorted, and stopped typing. “Okay... finally. This thing better be worth it, otherwise I’m going to kick Eridan’s ass. Oh, speak of the devil... I think this is where he talks to me for the first time on his end.”  
  
\---  
  
caligulasAquarium[CA] started trolling tentacleTherapist[TT]!  
CA: hey landdwweller  
CA: howw did you fuck this up?  
CA: a fuckup like this doesnt happen on its owwn, you knoww.  
CA: but dont think im bein rude, im just curious.  
CA: im playin coroner here, an i might as wwell get it straight from the corpses mouth.  
TT: A coroner merely confirms that someone is dead. The medical examiner is the one who figures out why they died.  
TT: Usually, though, the coroner is also the medical examiner.  
TT: At any rate, hello, Eridan. It’s nice to see how this all started.  
CA: howw the fuck do you knoww my name  
CA: did i do wweird fuckin time shit  
CA: i swwore i wwouldnt  
TT: You and I both know what your oaths are worth, Eridan. Now be a good boy and take this code to the alchemiter.  
TT: blackbox  
CA: really  
CA: thats the code  
TT: Yep. Do it.  
CA: fuck you  
TT: Maybe later. Now, I’m afraid I’m a busy woman, so...  
tentacleTherapist[TT] blocked caligulasAquarium[CA]!  
  
\---  
  
“Hey guys!” John’s voice carried into the crypt, drawing Rose and Dave’s attention. “I brought the Tumor! Jade said I was supposed to get the Needlekind specibus from Rose, so... do you mind if I borrow that, Rose?”  
  
“Yes, yes, go on ahead.” Rose absentmindedly pulled the Needlekind card out of her Strife Portfolio, and tossed it at John. “We’ll see you on the other side, John.”  
  
“Oh, and, uh...” John rubbed at the back of his head. “I brought your corpse, in case you had something on it that you want.”  
  
“The scarf was the only thing I really cared about, and that was thoroughly ruined.” Rose waved it off. “Besides, I’ll be able to get a new one soon enough.”  
  
“Alright, well, I’m gonna, uh... go.” John coughed, and deployed the Tumor in a corner before fucking right off. “Bye!”  
  
\---  
  
“Terribly sorry about this.” Eridan sighed, setting Nepeta down on her Slab. He was working fast, trying to get everyone slabbed before anyone resurrected, which included Feferi. Hopefully the fact that she was still on fire would keep her down a bit longer. “Dirty business, I know, but someone has to do it. Better the devil you know.”  
  
Tavros was starting to stir, and Eridan began moving faster, simply rolling Karkat onto his slab. Terezi would be last, and Eridan prayed he’d be able to slab her before Tavros could try to stop him.  
  
“Don’t be a hero, Tavros.” Eridan called over his shoulder. “Heroes die for good.” As Eridan spoke, he finished rolling Karkat onto the Slab, and hopped over to where Terezi laid. “You don’t wanna die yet, right?”  
  
Tavros groaned, rolling onto his side.  
  
“There ya go. When you do get up, be a pal and put Fef out, would ya?” Eridan asked, tossing Terezi’s body onto her own slab. “I’d appreciate it.” He walked back over to where he’d set Equius down, and exchanged the rag for a fresh one- Eridan felt slightly weird about keeping a bunch of ether-soaked rags in his sylladex, but it was definitely not foremost among his sins- before picking Equius up and bolting from the room, fiddling with his computer glasses with his free hand.  
  
\---  
  
grimAuxiliatrix[GA] started trolling caligulasAquarium[CA]!  
GA: The Humans Are Set  
GA: It Is Merely A Matter Of Time  
CA: me, gam, an eq are the only ones wwho havvent taken dirt naps yet. youvve got gam an his quest bed.  
CA: im sorry i passed that on to you.  
GA: My Conscience Will Survive  
GA: I Need Only Blame You  
CA: id complain if that wwasnt the plan all along.  
CA: they think vvris wwas wworkin wwith me this wwhole time, can you believve that?  
GA: The Idea Of You And Vriska Cooperating Or The Fact That They Believed It  
GA: The First Is Hard To Swallow While The Latter Is Easily Believable  
CA: right, time for me an eq to go, and then we fight jack...  
CA: ...  
GA: What Do You Mean By ...  
CA: kinda gettin cold feet.  
CA: wwhat if my death is preemptivvely just, an ill stay dead?  
CA: i... im scared, kan.  
CA: im scared of wwhat might happen if this doesnt wwork.  
CA: i dont actually havve fates guarantee that thisll wwork  
CA: i havve it for evveryone but me, and that wworries me. absence of proof is proof of absence, yknoww?  
GA: You Will Be Fine  
CA: that doesnt help  
CA: i... i need to talk to someone else.  
caligulasAquarium[CA] stopped trolling grimAuxiliatrix[GA]!  
  
\---  
  
“Oh, hey, it’s him again.” Rose muttered, looking at the blackbox. She shrugged, and returned her eyes to her hand. “He can wait. Threes?”  
  
“Go fish.” Dave shook his head, leafing through his hand. “You should probably answer him before he fucking obliterates your notifications.”  
  
“Ugh, fine.” Rose sighed, and paid attention to the blackbox once more.  
  
\---  
  
caligulasAquarium[CA] started trolling tentacleTherapist[TT]!  
CA: rose im scared  
CA: i dont wwant to die, rose  
CA: i cant die, not noww, not after all ivve done  
CA: i need to see this through to the end but im scared and i dont think fate can protect me anymore  
CA: rose i  
CA: im sorry rose  
CA: im sorry i orchestrated all this an put you through these paces rose  
CA: im going to hell, rose  
CA: ivve committed evvery treachery under the sun an if i die i havve it comin but  
CA: fuck i dont wwanna die  
CA: i dont wwant to die, not like this  
CA: i wwant to die on my back, wwithout regrets  
CA: i dont wwant to be the vvillain wwho dies wwith a curse on his lips and an albatross around his neck  
CA: i dont wwant to die before i finally see you in person  
CA: i  
CA: i lovve you, rose  
CA: i lovve you an im afraid of wwhat comes next  
CA: i only knoww wwhat happens up until this point an i dont knoww wwhat happens next an im afraid, rose  
CA: and i wwant to trust you an i wwant to trust that this wwill all wwork out for the best but i dont think i can  
CA: fate doesnt need me anymore an im about to get killed  
CA: an its my fault  
CA: but thats no comfort  
CA: nothin is comfortable about this  
CA: im sittin on a slab of cold rock wwith a gun ready to vvaporize my owwn head, a head full a regrets an sins  
CA: on top a that, ivve got an ethered equius sittin here, an i cant help but think maybe this wwasnt wworth it  
TT: Are you done yet?  
CA: rose i  
TT: Save it. We’ll talk in person, soon, and if it makes you feel better, I’m only going to punch you in the face once.  
CA: wwell howw fuckin merciful a you  
TT: You’re a big boy, you can take it.  
CA: mm, i prefer to givve, but i suppose i can be on the bottom if you really wwant me to.  
TT: Oh my god, Eridan.  
TT: Not two minutes ago you were complaining about how terrified you were, and how you’ll die unwept, unhonored, and unsung. Now you’re back to your usual self?  
CA: i got it outta my system. an noww im talkin to the light a my life  
TT: Yes, yes, light puns, very clever. I must admit, I’m afraid of death, too. I... I’m worried. Will the Slabs still work even if we aren’t in the Incipisphere?  
CA: honestly? no idea.  
CA: i do knoww that they wwork wwithout prospit an derse bein intact, though  
CA: if it wwerent for this lingerin doubt in the back a my mind, on top of the fear i wwould still get killed evven wwith the god tier stuff, i wwoulda pulled the trigger already.  
TT: So the killer finally shows some hesitation before taking a life, hm?  
CA: theres a big difference between killin someone you hate an killin yourself  
CA: no matter howw sure you are that its a good idea, theres alwways hesitance before pullin the trigger or kickin the stool  
TT: Thank you for that imagery.  
CA: no problem  
TT: I didn’t write this down in the blackbox, you know. How did you stumble on this plan?  
CA: i didnt wwant to wwatch any of these assholes die of old age, dowwn the line. i hate them, but i dont hate them that much. still, wwasnt sure it wwould wwork  
CA: the blackbox wwas silent on that subject  
CA: probably because this wwas fated to happen in that specific wway, wwhat wwith me startin small an goin from there.  
TT: You talk a lot about fate. I do too, but at least I’m a Seer. I know what I’m talking about. You... not so much.  
CA: causality, then  
CA: wwith the bootstrap an predestination paradoxes, time travvel means fate exists  
TT: Hm. I thought you preferred “ontological paradox” over “bootstrap paradox”?  
CA: givven the role ivve played in sustainin the paradox, i think bootstrap is an acceptable term for it  
TT: There’s the narcissist I’ve come to know so well.  
CA: theres the snarky bitch ivve come to lovve  
TT: Aww. That’s adorable.  
TT: I’m afraid I’m not interested, however.  
CA: oh god motherfucking damnit  
CA: evvery fucking time  
TT: Yes, well, unfortunately, we don’t always get what we want.  
caligulasAquarium[CA]’s computer exploded!  
TT: Drama queen.


	13. Cascade

Eridan awoke wearing different clothes, and with a pair of wings under his back. He tilted his head to examine them, and allowed a hint of a grin as he looked them over. Where everyone else had gotten lovely gossamer wings, Eridan had gotten feathery angel wings. Where everyone else got wings the color of their blood, Eridan’s were a stark white.

Angels were beings to be feared, in troll mythology. Anyone who looked like one was either a posturing moron or a well-oiled engine of death. And Eridan knew how to prove which one he really was.

The door flew off its hinges with barely more than a thought from Eridan, and he walked through it calmly, heading for an exit. Best way to prove you’re an angel is to kill a demon, and really, wasn’t that the plan all along?

\---

terminallyCapricious[TC] started trolling twinArmageddons[TA]!  
TC: well my head is all funny so ill keep this short   
TC: GO ON OUT TO THE SURFACE, AND LOOK FOR A BIG BURST OF GREEN LIGHT   
TC: when you all up and see that, push us towards there   
TA: and why 2hould ii do that?   
TC: BECAUSE THATS THE MOTHERFUCKIN GREEN SUN   
TC: the humans are gonna meet us there   
TC: THEN WERE ALL GONNA HEAD TO THE NEW SESSION THEYRE GONNA MAKE WHEN THEY SCRATCH   
TC: dont you wanna see your new pitch buddy   
TA: kiinda? ii thiink there2 better u2e2 of my tiime riight now.   
TC: MAN, FORGET ABOUT THE FISH PRINCE, HE AINT SHIT   
TC: that motherfuckers gonna take care a himself, dont worry :o)   
TA: ...what the hell ii2 wiith you? you 2eem a liittle... off.   
TC: IT WAS THAT FUCKIN SOPOR SLIME   
TC: fuckin rotted my think pan   
TC: BUT IM ALL MOTHERFUCKIN BETTER NOW   
TC: so cmon appleberry blast, take us on a ride   
TA: ...whatever. iill deal wiith ampora later.   
TA: that 2on of a biitch ii2 gonna pay.   
TC: HELL YEAH :o)   
TC: honk HONK   
terminallyCapricious[TC] stopped trolling twinArmageddons[TA]!

\---

“So, did Rose and Dave get out in time?” John asked, watching the Incipisphere from the deck of the battleship. He’d done his part, making sure the Scratch activated properly, while Jade god tiered and snatched up all the planets. The last he’d seen, Derse’s moon was heading out to the Furthest Ring, detached from Derse, but he was by no means an expert on astrophysics or orbital mechanics. Jade probably wasn’t, either, but she would have a better idea than he did.

“I think so...” Jade murmured, her ears twitching. Through a quirk of game mechanics John hadn’t fully understood until very recently, Jade had been combined with her dog Becquerel, gaining his ears and tail, along with his reality-altering powers. “The Tumor should be detonating sometime soon... Hopefully before the Scratch takes full effect, otherwise the Incipisphere is gonna disappear, and we won’t have a shield between us and the blast.”

“And that would kill us.” John asked for clarity’s sake.

“Eyup.” Jade nodded. “But hey, Dave’s there, I bet he’ll make sure the timing is right.” Jade and John fell silent once more, watching the Incipisphere. It was dark and bare, without any of its planets. But hey, the sudden green glow around it was pre- _wait a minute_. “That’s our cue, I think.” The Incipisphere popped like a soap bubble, and the battleship sped through the empty space left behind it, toward the big green circle they were pointed directly at.

\---

“Right there, see?” Gamzee pointed at the huge, incredibly visible green flare in the sky.

“Yeah, yeah, calm your tits...” Sollux muttered, gesturing with his hands. “Fuck, this is gonna be hard...” With a grunt of effort, the meteor was surrounded by a faint glow which oscillated between red and blue, and it began to move from its orbit, inexorably floating toward the Green Sun.

Behind them, Jack took notice, and began speeding across the Medium towards them. The meteor had a pretty big lead, and also a god-tier telekinetic for propulsion, but Jack was still gaining, just a little bit.

Still, the meteor would make it to the Green Sun before Jack did.

\---

“So, uh... come here often?” Dave said awkwardly, scratching the back of his neck through his hood.

“Oh, once or twice.” Aradia snickered. “It’s got nice ambiance, doesn’t it?”

“It’s an interesting experience.” Rose nodded. “This should be impossible, according to astronomy.”

“Yeah, well, we’ve done tons of impossible stuff.” Dave shrugged. “Being this close to a star doesn’t seem that bad.”

“No, it’s the fact that it’s _green_.” Rose frowned. “That’s... not how blackbody radiation works. The green light is always either too faint to see, or drowned out by the blue light. So... a green star is physically impossible, but like you said, the impossible is now routine for us, so I suppose I’ll have to shut up.”

“Rose, you and I know the only thing that can actually shut you up is a good, old-fashioned throat slashing.” Dave said flatly, eyebrows dropping below the rim of his sunglasses.

“Or a well-made sandwich.” Rose smirked. “Now, the others should be here soon enough... see? There.” Rose pointed out the approaching battleship, and then the approaching meteor. “We’ll all be here soon enough, and then we can relax.”

“I can’t wait for everyone to meet each other!” Aradia smiled, watching the meteor with particular interest. “It’s gonna be so much fun! Maybe we can even have a corpse party!”

“Um.” Dave began, sounding very uncomfortable.

“Is that, by chance, anything like a funeral?” Rose asked.

“Yeah! Just like that!” Aradia nodded. “Trolls don’t really do them much.”

“Well, they’re not that terribly interesting, I’m afraid.” Rose shrugged. “Also, I was led to believe that the dead all arose anew on the meteor, no alliteration intended.”

“Maybe. Let’s see!” Aradia’s smile widened as she watched the approaching vessels.

\---

Kanaya stepped out onto the platform, feeling the sunshine on her face. It was pleasant, after so long cooped up on the meteor. Behind her, others stepped out onto the platform, most of them wincing at the sunlight.

“Ah, there she is.” Rose said, floating over to Kanaya. “It’s nice to see you in person, finally.”

“Likewise.” Kanaya blinked a few times, her natural Rainbow Drinker glow hiding any hint of blush she might be developing right now. “I would have preferred a different sequence of events leading us to here, but such is life. At least the fighting is done for n-”

Kanaya was interrupted by an explosion, and all eyes turned to face the direction it originated from.

“What the hell was that?” Dave and Sollux asked in unison, before glaring at each other.

“Well, if I was to hazard a guess, it was probably something exploding.” Terezi rolled her eyes. “Someone with eyes should go look.”

“Thanks, from the bottom of my bloodpump, for that absolutely fucking useless observation, Terezi.” Karkat griped, walking toward the edge of the platform. “Shit like that really earned your fucking wings as a Seer.” Karkat stuck his head out over the edge, and almost a moment later a wet chunk of meat hit him in the face. “Oh. Great. That’s exactly what I wanted to happen. Absolutely fucking perfect. I am goddamned ecstatic right now.” He turned back around, and peeled the piece of flesh off his face, tossing it onto the ground. “Eugh. Fuck, that’s nasty.”

“Well, looks like that was a person exploding.” Dave chuckled a little.

“Doesn’t look like Fishdick. That blood’s red, not violet.” Sollux grumbled, squinting at the scrap of viscera. “Guess it was too much to ask for him to die fighting Jack... Oh well, we can fix that once he shows his face again.”

“Like hell you will.” Karkat shook his head. “I can’t believe we need to make this a rule, but _no murder_. Got it?”

“Eridan broke that rule a few times just an hour ago.” Feferi pointed out.

“Oh fucking well.” Karkat rolled his eyes. “If he kills anyone else, then we can drop the hammer on him. Until then, _no. Murder._ Do I make myself clear?”

“I think I can live with that.” John said, floating onto the platform. Jade trailed behind him, shrinking the battleship down behind her. “So, who are we missing?”

“Well, Equius and Eridan are... somewhere.” Vriska muttered. “You guys do know I wasn’t working with him, right? You’ve gotten that stupid fucking idea out of your heads?”

“He found the idea amusing.” Kanaya added, trying to not react to the human hugging her tightly. “Equius should be joining us soon... ah, there he is.”

“I feel like someone hit me between the eyes with a hoofbeast femur...” Equius groaned, rubbing at his eyes as he walked out onto the platform. “Do we have more ether?”

“What’s ether?” John asked.

“An old anesthetic.” Rose explained. “They stopped using it because of its high flammability. Eridan most likely used it to keep Equius unconscious to use his Void aura.”

“Oh.” John blinked. “Wait, what?”

“Eridan’s the worst kind of bastard alive, but if anyone takes a shot at him first, I’m gonna chop your fucking hand off.” Karkat pinched the bridge of his nose. “Speaking of, I suppose he fought Jack. On his own. Because he’s an idiot.”

“Actually, it’s because I’m a well-oiled killing machine, but I suppose I am sometimes an idiot.” Eridan’s voice came from over the edge, as the blood-splattered Prince floated up and over the edge. “It’s done. I can stop killing people. Fucking _finally_.” In Eridan’s hands was the bloodied head of Jack Noir, still with the canine features garnered from Becquerel. On one of his fingers was Jack’s ring. “You people just would NOT stop bitching while I was giving you all immortality and increased power. Goddamn. You’d think the death was permanent with how much shit I was getting.”

“Jesus christ, that’s...” Dave swallowed audibly, disgust plainly written across his face. “Go take a fucking shower, dude.”

“Yeah, yeah, don’t have to tell me twice.” Eridan muttered, landing on the platform. “First, though...” He cleared his throat, before speaking loudly. “ _From ash did you rise, and to ash shall you return. May you find peace and purpose in the next life, for you did not find it in this one._ ” And from there, Eridan pitched Jack’s head into the Green Sun. “Now whatever anyone has to say to me, it can wait fifteen goddamn minutes.”

“I-” Rose began.

“The fuck did I _just say?_ ” Eridan growled, heading toward the stairs. “Fifteen minutes.”

Jade coughed nervously, and silently floated over to Nepeta.

“So, what’s up with everyone?” John asked, breaking the silence. “What’s next?”

“We go that way,” Rose pointed into the distance. “for three years. Then we get to try this whole ‘remake the universe’ thing again.”

“The hell is a year?” Karkat tilted his head.

“It’s how humans measure time.” Sollux shrugged. “I think it’s, what, two weeks in a year?”

“Yeah, two weeks.” Dave nodded. “Then another fifty.”

“ _FUCK!_ ” Karkat yelled, at nobody in particular.


End file.
